"The Calm Before the Storm" 2003-01-31 - 2:24 a.m.

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I'm not looking forward to tomorrow

first the DMV, then my therapist

and I've been mildly sick all week

I managed to blow all but $3 of my allowance already,

and we all know what that's going towards

but oh well, it was worth it since I now only have one collection of 100 Bullets left

the conclusion

it's wierd how comic book heroines remind me of my friends

Rain from House of Secrets is like Stephanie

Dizzy from 100 Bullets is like Amber

which is really making me miss Amber

if Steph and Evan aren't too "creeped out" by Amber, or whatever wierd excuse they're using, I think I'll try and get them to get her to hang out with us this weekend

Amber was really cool

then there was the whole 'falling out' thing last summer

and Steph said Amber said she didn't like me

and then when we all kind of regrouped Amber didn't make it back

kind of sad

eh, we had a whole little group that got decimated last summer

it was one of the most depressing times in my life

*sigh*

things were so good, and then they all just blew up

damn

...

but in other news, I've been trying to convince myself that I'm well enough to get a job

and sometimes it seems like I am

but it's hard with my being kinda sick all week

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

I need to get on with my life, but at the same time I don't know if I can

and the doctor is taking forever

my parents are giving me enough shit about getting a job now,

and even without their constant threats I know that that's what I need to be doing

but if I get sick so often, how am I supposed to?

I wish I could just pass it off as "I'm focusing on my school work", that would buy me enough time for the doctor to maybe get around to doing something

but what if he can't?

that's all everyone wants to tell me

"the doctor won't do anything, so just get on with your life"

damnit, I don't have the flue, I have a serious fucking disease

bastards

shit

who knows

last week I thought I could probably get on with things if I really tried

I mean, it would only suck for a few months

but I've been sick all damn week, and it's reminding me how bad things can be

alright, so maybe I'm exagerating a little

I've only been mildly sick

but it's like my disease is sitting there wagging its finger at me; saying: "ah, ah, ah"

I don't know

and nobody wants to offer me any damn support

they don't offer anything constructive

just threats

bah

I'm sick of talking about it

it's the same old song

over and over

I've got nothing new to say

but everything's still the same

to be fair my parents have been laying off lately

but somehow it feels just as bad

like they're just waiting

they'll be nice until I've let my guard down; then they'll lay in heavy

it's creepy

I don't know

maybe my therapist can help tomorrow

I doubt it

Sweet Dreams

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