"Touch Me, I'm Sick" 2003-01-25 - 3:06 p.m.

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meant to update last night

Diaryland was down

just had to talk about the dissapointment with the specialist

after waiting two months

I had to wait another hour and a half in his office after when the appointment was supposed to be

the appointment was for 10:30, he saw me at 12:00

then when he did see me, he talked to me for ten whole minutes

if he spends that much time with all his patients I don't know how he manages to get so backed up, unless he just doesn't like me(which I'm starting to suspect)

anyway, I wrote down a list of all my symptoms, since last time I kind of fucked up and didn't tell him them all

so I gave it to him, he glanced at it and asked me a question about one to make it look like he read it; then gave it back to me

just fucking blew off my symptoms

then he tells me that this is a minor problem

that lots of people have it, and they can all function like normal; so I should be able to do the same

A)he doesn't know what the fuck I have, he doesn't listen to me

B)it doesn't matter how many fucking people have it

and C)it's not something I can just function with

but when I tell him that he just says: "yes it is"

I want to kill him

so after waiting two months and assuming that this guy is going to help me; he just gives me a ten minute blow off(and don't get that confused with anything sexual)

then he schedules me for a colon-oscopy at the beginning of March

another fucking month

this is holding up my damn life and he just blows me off for another goddamn month

and of course my parents are doing the same thing

they keep telling me how I should be able to go to school and get a job and act like nothing's wrong

and nothing I can say can make them believe me

I think my suicide attempt was more of a cry for help than anything else

and no one listened

I wonder if I hadn't called 911, would they have believed me then?

if I were dead would they have thought "gee, maybe he was serious about how bad that was"

I doubt it

everyone around me has a head like a fucking brick

I've finally figured out how the world works

people tell you what you are, and how you work; and if you disagree with them, that makes you a liar

I mean, shit

my specialist doesn't listen to me when I tell him what's wrong with me; then tells me exactly what I have(as far as he thinks, even though, y'know, he's WRONG) and how I should act with it

my dentist tells me that I'm not brushing my teeth like they tell me to, when I tell them I am('cause I am), they tell me I'm lying

my parents tell me that I'm a whiny little baby, and nothing's wrong with me; that if I don't grow up and act like I'm normal, they'll stop loving me

(and yes, folks, my dad did threaten that)

the only people who've listened to me are my friends;

who, don't get me wrong, I love; but they're not important in this situation

and, ironically enough, the school

they're letting me take home-schooling, listening to me when I say how I want to do it, and believing me when I say what's wrong

now when the fucking dumb-ass school is the only one that believes you; then the people around you are fucking thick headed

life can really suck sometimes

I mean, whatever's really wrong with me impedes my life enough on it's own

I mean, shit, I really didn't mind going to school that much; and honestly I was really looking forward to getting a job, but I can't do either of those things

but sadly that's only half the issue

the other half is that my parents give me no end of shit about it, and my doctor doesn't give a shit about it

they both have exactly what the situation is in their heads; and nothing I could possibly say could change that

despite the fact that I'm the one with the goddamn problem

I mean, I'm actually hoping it's Bowel Cancer

I really am

I hope that when they do that goddamn colon-oscopy that it's bowel cancer

and that if they had only discovered it four months earlier then it would've been operable

but since my specialist is such a fucking dick it'll be too late

then everyone will have to realize just how fucking bad this is

and then maybe they'll finally believe me when they're burying my cold, dead ass

*sigh*

I'm not taking this lightly

I'm not just exagerating

my death might be the only thing that would actually make people notice

but hell, even that might not do anything

I mean, as I said earlier; look at my suicide attempt

I tried to end my life

I had to go to the hospital

we're still getting notice from the insurance company about how much money they had to pay for that hospital visit*

I almost died

I was almost dead, gone, alive no more

and they don't fucking care

I mean, the day after no one even remembered I did it

and it's not like they gave a thought to why

now that I think about it;

no one ever did ask me why I did it

well, no one in my family anyway

the 911 operator did

the guy at the hospital did

but not my parents

oh sure, they gave me a little half-assed pep-talk about how much they care

but they never asked me why

and the next day they forgot about it

I tried to kill myself and they went on like nothing happened

*- the bills however, they care about

whenever one comes they knock on my door and say: "look at this, look at how much money this would've cost us if we didn't have the insurance"

they don't remember that it almost cost them their son, however

so maybe my death from bowel cancer would make them sit up and take notice

maybe

but probably not

they would simply cry and say "why God?" and all sorts of dramatic crap

but they still wouldn't give thought to just what was said leading up to my diagnosis and most likely even death

they wouldn't give thought to how they treated me when I said I was in pain and that this was serious

I think if I do end up having cancer I'm gonna write a will covering every last goddamn thing I own, and make sure not a goddamn cent worth of it goes to them

then I'm gonna put specific instructions that they're not to be at my funeral

the bastards

I mean, I'm in pain; and all they can think about is "why aren't you going to school? why aren't you getting a job?"

wait, that's not right, they don't give a fuck as to why

they just care that I'm not

shit

I really do hope I have bowel cancer

then I'll light up a cigarette in front of them and say: "hey, it's not killing me"

it's too early for "Sweet Dreams", so:

Later

Well I've been bad

and I've been worse

I'm a creep

and I'm a jerk

Touch Me, I'm Sick

well I won't live long

and I'm full of rot

I'm gonna give you girl,

everything I've got

Touch Me, I'm Sick

Touch Me, I'm Sick

Come on baby, now come with me

if you don't come

if you don't come

if you don't come

you'll die alone!

well I'm diseased

and I don't mind

I'm gonna make you love me

'til the day you die

Touch Me, I'm Sick

Fuck Me, I'm Sick

Come on baby, now come with me

if you don't come

if you don't come

if you don't come

you'll die alone!

-Touch Me, I'm Sick

Mudhoney

my theme song

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