"fuck you" 2003-01-19 - 10:56 p.m.

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it hurts so bad

and I don't know what to do now except turn it into anger

all I want is for someone to love me

and not in the "I love you" type way me and my friends throw it around

in the deep unconditional way that someone needs to be loved

once I let Stephanie cry on my knee,

I rubbed her back and said "it'll be ok"

and that's what I need someone to do for me

but I couldn't figure out how to say it before

Stephanie wouldn't do that for me

she told me so

she doesn't love me the way I love her

Misty doesn't not nearly

I don't know why I even considered her

there's only two people who came close to feeling that way about me

two people who I want to feel that way about me

Stephanie

and Robyn

and Robyn...

she wants to get mad at me

now to leave

she never ever let me help her

when she got depressed, I tried so hard to be there for her

but she never let me

and now when I do the same she wants to tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore?

that's why I didn't feel that connection Robyn

you wouldn't let me in

and now you want to get pissed off about it?

fuck saying "I'm sorry"

for either of us

I want to be your friend

that's all

and if you don't like that then it's your own goddamn fault

shit

I can't even be mad without feeling terrible about it

I know how she feels

fuck

as I said, I did the same thing to her

I understand why

but Goddamnit

that's fucking why Robyn

that's why I didn't feel that connection with you

and no one feels that connection with me

so what the fuck am I supposed to do?

all I fucking do is type in this thing

and then lay on my floor and cry

because that's all I can do

so if any of you doesn't like it

fuck off

all I want is to be loved

unconditionally

and none of you want to provide that

so fuck you if you don't like that I'm not happy about it

fuck you