A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"mmm... chicken" 2003-01-19 - 3:48 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

I think I was sick today

I've had a sinus cold all goddamn week

last night when I got on the trampoline I could feel sickness in my lungs with each breath

today I slept until four thirty in the afternoon

over twelve hours, and a personal record

and the only reason I woke up was that my sister called home

after I got up I still felt tired, like I'd barely gotten any sleep at all

and whenever I stood up I felt dizzy

it might have to do with the Zoloft

'cause the last time I remember feeling like that was my suicide attempt

and then I had been taking Zoloft for a few days and then stopped

and I've decided to stop taking it again

shit, just go back and read my diary and tell me if that crap did anything at all

I can personally verify that since I started taking it that my depression was worse than it ever was before I started taking it

so I'm giving the shit up

one less pill to take in the morning

and now I think it's fucking with me

I ended up going to the mall(I'll get to that later), and when I was walking around I had to fight hard not to stumble and lose my balance

so whether it was the cold, or the zoloft, or a combination of the two; I hope it doesn't recurr

Steph didn't call today

and I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this anymore, so she wouldn't know to

but wether she does or not; I highly doubt she wants to

you know, I planned what I was going to say to her every night for a week; had it all down

so what happens when I actually try and talk to her?

I get out a few stumbling words, accomplish nothing of what I wanted to, and probably just make things worse

damnit

all I even really want to say at this point is apologize

but what really gets to me

what makes me have to fight hard not to break down and start sobbing

is that she was all I really had

I realize that this probably hurts Robyn

but I try to be honest

and I just never found that connection with Robyn

I'm glad we're close friends, but I just never felt about her the way I did about Stephanie

but now that I've drifted away from Stephanie, I've got no one to really talk to

not in that real deep way that only close friends can

typing my feelings into this diary and telling them to another person are two very different things

and now that I've lost the only person I could do that with, it hurts

and I didn't want to lose her, so I felt like I had to say something, do something, to make things right, to try and fix things

but everything I did was wrong

everything I said made things worse

and now it may be too late

all I ever wanted to do was say exactly how I feel

I've never been able to do that

I'm quite the wordsmith

I can make asking for a piece of paper from the teacher sound like it's from shakespeare

I pride myself on being blunt

I don't hide my feelings, even at the cost of others'

I think it's better to have people unhappy with the truth than to have them happy with a lie; when eventually the lie will have to crumble anyway

but when it comes to saying how I feel about Stephanie

I can't get it out

I can't put into words exactly how I feel

exactly what I mean in the way I mean it

in a way that would make her want to share those feelings

but I can't

so I blither on about it and make things worse all the time

and it sucks

and it's all I can talk about because it's the most important thing in the world to me

my diary must be boring as fuck

and it must scare Stephanie

fuck, I can't even imagine someone feeling about me how I feel about Steph

talking about me in their diary all the damn time

especially with how Stephanie feels about other people caring about her

but I can't help it

anyway

I'll try and move on to other topics

I have to stop talking about Stephanie so much

and to start things off on a hipocritical note;

as I said, Stephanie didn't call today

so I went to the mall in hopes of bumping into someone I knew

no luck

called Misty from a payphone, no one answered

so I went to her house no one was home

so I went to the other mall

no one there either

I did however read a comic in Barnes & Noble

Spiderman's Tangled Web "The Last Shoot" written by Brian Azzarello(the guy who writes 100 Bullets) and Raven

and God was it well-written

just what I'd expect from those two

when I was done I forgot all about how lonely I was, and why I was driving around looking for people I knew

I felt satisfied

comforted

for a change

so I went home

learned Naitivity In Black by Black Sabbath on my guitar

although, saying I didn't see anyone at the malls is kind of a lie

I saw Andrew at the first mall

he's Stephanie's sister Erin's friend

since I don't really know him that well; and our conversation consisted of exchanging 'hello's then 'goodbye's, I didn't really think to count it

but on the other hand it makes me think about last night, how at first we all planned to go to his house

Erin asked "how many of you are musicians"

and it leads me to think we would've ended up playing music there

that would've been sweet

he's got some sick equipment

and he's very good

and plus Evan was there, and I love playing with Evan

so yeah, that probably would've been sweet

but alas, it didn't happen

and so I've been thinking/hoping a lot about if I'll ever end up over there again

see, for that to happen a certain compilation of circumstances has to occur; and each circumstance is a direct result of the last one, so it's highly unlikely

I probably won't be hanging out with Stephanie as much; which means we won't be hanging out with Erin as much; which means we won't all be together thinking of going to Andrew's as much

and by the time we get to that circumstance it's beyond low

and since in the year I've been hanging out with Stephanie those circumstances have only lined up twice

(and the first time we were only there for like, five minutes; and the second time we didn't even go)

it's probably not going to happen

but it's not something that's gonna break my heart

it's just something I've been thinking about today

oh well

there's this wonderful song I've found on the internet

somebody took the time to dub Homer singing/saying odd things over the guitar riff from Danzig's "Mother", and it's hilarious

if you're into downloading songs/the Simpsons you need to download it

it's hilarious

and that's all that's going on in my life

'cause A)I'm really boring

and B)I'm really lonely

and C)the person I usually talk about(and way too much, at that) has drifted away from me

and D)Christ, do I wish I didn't feel like this

any of it

from how much Stephanie means to me

to how things worked out now

to how much I talk about her

I wish none of it was real

and I wish it didn't have such a harsh effect on me

*sigh*

it's no one's fault but mine

goddamnit

Sweet Dreams

D'OH!

I am Evil Homer

AAAH!

I gave my love a chickeeen, it had no booones

mmmm... chicken

the other day I was so desperate for a beer I went to the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleechers

Nacho, Nacho Man, I want to be a Nacho Man

WOO-HOO!

Nacho, Nacho Man, I want to be a Nacho Man

-"Homer Sings Danzig Mother"

from the internet

�