A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Wonderwall" 2003-01-18 - 12:01 a.m.

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what a fucking roller coaster of a day

got up early to watch Dark Shadows on Sci Fi

if you don't know what Dark Shadows is, it's this cheesy soap-opera made back in '69 about a vampire

and when I say cheesy, I mean it

I saw the shadow of boom mic today, it was great

and the acting ranges from actually not too bad to downright terrible

and the theme is so fucking worth getting up for

creepy synthesized organ music, so great

anyway, then I went back to sleep for a few hours

only to be woken up by my parents so I could go in for my last Chronic Health meeting

my dad was home, so he went

as soon as he said he was going, I knew things wouldn't go well

it actually could've been worse

I got exactly what I wanted accross/out of it

with the only hang-up being my dad asking about my returning to school to take one or two classes

I received some unexpected support from my mom, though

and I mean I was seriously shocked

she gives me so much shit about it when we're arguing at home

but when we got there she backed me up and said that even she thought it would be better if I just took home schooling

so I'm done with CDO

finally

oh yeah, hit my music

after that I just kind of sat around until I called Steph and went to hang out with her and Evan and Catherine

once I got there we went over to Robyn's before too long

when we were at Robyn's things were fucking great

we had a pizza picnic outside her house under the full moon; and everyone listened to me play guitar

they applauded and said they dug it(even though I only played two songs)

and even though my insecurities are fucking with me, for the most part of become confident enough(in my musical ability anyway) to believe them

when we went back to Stephanie's is when things went down hill

now to be fair; it was all my fault

utterly and completely my fault

we sat around for a bit, I just kind of stood there and listened to them all make fun of Mariah for about an hour

I swear, those guys just don't have enough bad things to say about her

to be fair they should know more than anyone how she acts, and have the right(some would say) to make fun of her

but to be honest I like Mariah(though admittedly I don't see her much), but even if I didn't, I wouldn't've joined in

even if I don't like someone I don't talk about people behind their back, that's just not cool

sure, maybe if I really dislike a person I'll say something like: "they're a fuckhead" or something like that, but I limit it to maybe one or two general comments

these guys went on for quite some time and got quite descriptive

and they were all doing it

keep in mind that I know Mariah doesn't read this, 'cause if she did I wouldn't say anything; I don't rat out my friends, even if I don't agree with their behavior

but the turning point was when Stephanie went downstairs for a while to make a few phone calls

after she'd been down there for a while we got worried that she was depressed about something(I won't mention what)

so first Catherine and then Evan went down there to see how she was and see if they could cheer her up

it turns out we were wrong, and she was fine

but before I knew that I started to get depressed about how I wasn't in any position to go down and talk to her

I wasn't close enough to her to do that anymore

and that's where I started to get depressed

after a while I got tired of the laughter and fun upstairs, so I went down to hang out with Steph and Catherine

I got to her room door, heard them talking and laughing

and I couldn't bring myself to go in

I still thought she might be depressed, but I felt that even if she wasn't I had no right to go in there

so I sat in her tv room downstairs and just stared at the static on the screen

finally her dad came out of his room and noticed me and then knocked on Stephanie's door and told her that I was sitting out there

she said nothing was wrong and told me I should've just come in

we sat and talked for a while, and things really were fine; but I managed to stay depressed anyway

I tend to do that

then the others came and told me to get on the trampoline so I could show my tricks to her older sister Erin and her husband

so I did, everyone was suitably impressed, and then I went back inside to hang out with Steph again

and, of course, I fucked up again

decided that even though we really were getting along, I should say something

now; there's a couple of really important factors I just can't seem to grasp

1)we've drifted apart, that's all there is to it. I just have to stop making such a big fucking deal out of it and just accept it. It happens, even the closest friends can drift apart, and even though she was the closest person in the world to me, I was never more than second in her order at any given time

and 2) we've been through times like this before. All it would take is for me to shut up, and just hang out, and gradually we'd start to hang out more and drift closer; and things would go back to the way they were. All I would have to do; would be to Shut

The Hell

but I can't. I have to open my big fucking mouth over and over, and so I keep things awkward between us.

I've just never been one to go with the flow, even if it's the best thing for all involved.

So that's what I'm going to do from now on. I'm going to shut the fuck up.

If that helps, then great;

if it doesn't, then I'll just accept it; like I should've done in the first place.

So I'm not gonna call Steph anymore.

I'm not gonna bring this up.

I'm not gonna e-mail her.

if she wants to see me she can call me, if not then I won't force her.

it's her choice, I leave it up to her

I've already done far too much

and none of it has lead to anything good

I just wish I could express what I want to say

but I can't

so I have to stop trying

before I do something so bad it can't just be forgotten

but just to prove that I really am a fuckhead; I'm going to do one last thing

one of Steph's favorite songs is "Wonderwall" by Oasis. And I've noticed that the lyrics somewhat apply to our situation

or at least, how I wish it was

what I wish I could just say without making things ten times worse

so I learned the song

and as my last action; here's the lyrics

from me to you, Steph

and I'm sorry

Sweet Dreams

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna give it back to you

by now, you should've somehow learned what you're s'posed to do

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do, about you now

back beat, the word on the street's that the fire in your heart is out

I know, you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do, about you now

and all the roads we have to walk are winding

and all the lights that lead us there are blinding

there are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how

because maybe

you're gonna be the one that saves me

and after all

you're my wonder wall

today was gonna be the day they were gonna throw it back to you

by now, you should've somehow learned what you're not to do

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do, about you now

and all the roads you have to walk are winding

and all the lights that lead you there are blinding

there are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how

and maybe

you're gonna be the one that saves me

'cause after all

you're my wonder wall

and maybe

you're gonna be the one that saves me

'cause after all

you're my wonder wall

and maybe

you're gonna be the one that saves me

-Wonderwall

Oasis

and one more, for the road

I would say I'm sorry if I thought that it would change your mind

but I know that this time I have said too much, been too unkind

I try to laugh about it

cover it all up with lies

I try to laugh about it

hiding the tears in my eyes

'cause boys don't cry

boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet and beg forgiveness, plead with you

but I know that it's too late and now there's nothing I can do

I try to laugh about it

cover it all up with lies

I try to laugh about it

hiding the tears in my eyes

'cause boys don't cry

boys don't cry

I would tell you I loved you if I thought that it would make you stay

but I know that it's no use and you've already gone away

misjudged your limits

pushed you too far

took you for granted

thought that you needed me more

now I would do most anything to get you back by side

but I'll just keep on laughing, hiding the tears in my eyes

'cause boys don't cry

boys don't cry

-Boys Don't Cry

The Cure

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