"I Disappear" 2003-01-12 - 11:06 p.m.

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wow, two entries in one night

haven't done that in awhile

I've got "Nothing else matters" by Metallica stuck in my head

but that's not what I want to say

I want to say that I don't matter

and it's true

not to Steph

not to Robyn

not to anyone

just about nowhere do I get any reaction

some days in school I used to stand next to my seat and spin around in place to see if anyone would notice

no one ever did

and while I guess I kind of like it that way from most people

it's not a nice feeling to know you don't matter to the people who matter most to you

there's a fan site for Raven that I go to

I post on the forums alot

long, well thought out posts

no one ever responds

they just continue the thread like I didn't even post

shallow example, I know

but an apt one, even if not overtly meaningful

I can't help anyone

'cause I don't mean anything to them

maybe they enjoy haning out with me

maybe I amuse them

but they don't feel any bond or deep connection with me

I'm just another face in the gang

another guy who shows up when everyone gets together

the one with the van that usually drives everywhere

don't get me wrong, I enjoy driving; I'm glad I drive everywhere

but that's far from the point

I like Evan

and Cody

and Catherine

but those two mean a lot to me

Steph and Robyn

hell, just go back and read my last entry to see how much Stephanie means to me

and go back one more to see a brief anecdote about Robyn

sure, it may not be as much as what I wrote about Stephanie

and it doesn't do justice to my feelings

but it's there

but I don't mean anything to them

well,

not nearly as much as they mean to me

some shit hair-metal song from the eighties is coming to mind; I think it might have been that "more than a feeling" song

I'm remembering the "you'll forget about me after I've been gone" part

I'm waiting a year after I graduate from high school until they graduate

it kind of worked out being better for me anyway

but the original motivation was so that I could stay with them

I would gladly ruin my plans, blow them all to hell

just so I could stay with them

on their whim

as I keep saying over and over and fucking over

I've been hoping Stephanie would want to live with me after high school

but she doesn't

and she won't

when high school's over she'll tell me goodbye

head off into her future

and I'll go to college alone

and she'll forget about me

Robyn will go to art college

someplace in Europe maybe

and never think back to that kid who bossed her around in her first band

I'm a footnote in the stories of their lives and nothing more

just like everyone else I've ever known

everyone else that I've met over the many fucking places I've lived

Steve in New Jersey

Greg, who used to live here

now Steph and Robyn

footnotes to them

volumes to me

fuck

Sweet fucking Dreams

Do you bury me when I'm gone?

Do you teach me while I'm here?

Just as soon as I belong

Then it's time I disappear