A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Pushit" 2003-01-12 - 7:00 p.m.

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everything around me is sadness

everyone around me sad

my father, who's struggled his whole life; finally got out of the Coast Guard, then got a job that's just like it. Found a loving wife, had two children; whenever he's not working his wife seems to be, and his kids sit in their rooms all the time, barely ever talk to him. Now he comes home from work and eats his dinner, leftovers from McDonald's, alone, in almost darkness

my mother, who's spent her whole life bending over backwards to please others, never giving thought to her own wants. It kills her, but she's still not complaining

my sister is the only one in my family that's happy

ignorance is bliss, and she's dumb as a brick

my friends are drowning, and I'm throwing lifesavers out to them; but they're turning out to be the candy kind

I talked to my uncles today

the gay ones

they gave me hope

but I don't want to live on if everyone around me is dying

my parents are both working around sunset nowadays

so it falls on me to get the house ready for night time

close the window shades, turn on the lights

and I went to turn on the Christmas lights like I usually do

but then I remembered, my dad took the Christmas lights down two days ago

and it made me so sad

I told my uncle's lover, Terry, about some of my problems

him and I are alot alike

it's almost creepy

we take alot, and understand eachother

I told him about Stephanie

told him about my plans to move to Seattle with her after high school

I didn't tell him that I don't think those are her plans

but as far as that goes, I'll address that later

I knew they'd think that she was my girlfriend, so I told them she's gay

Terry then got around to asking if I was gay

I was honest, told him my whole "bi, but not really" story

but I can't help but feel wierded out

there's some instances I can remember

where it seems like he's been waiting for me to come out

to what purpose I don't know, but it has this whole 'lecherous' vibe to it that really creeps me out

to be honest, if we were the same age I really could see us dating

and there's a reason he's my favorite relative/role model/the only person I plan to stay in contact with once I blow this joint

but still

it kind of casts a sinister tint to the rest of our relationship

but I'm willing to overlook it

and then there's Stephanie

I don't even know what I can say

she finally gave me access to her diary again

although I didn't press the issue, I still feel like I forced her to do it somehow

and I feel bad about it

I keep talking about "my plans to move to Seattle with her after high school"

but to be honest, I don't even know if she wants to

to be honest, I don't think she wants to

to be honest, I don't think she even wants to know me

I don't know

it probably creeps her out

she probably sees it as a result of my "falling in love with her" those times

but the fact is

to be honest, even though I said I did

I didn't

you can't fall in and out of love with someone

sure, I love her

more than my own family, as I've said

but as I've also said, I'm happy with the way things are(maybe not at the moment, but overall) between us

and since I feel so close to her; when my emotions get strong she's the first person that comes to mind when it comes to venting them

when I'm lonely, I think of her

when I'm angry, I think of her

when I'm depressed, I think of her

and for all those emotions, I have an inappropriate response that probably only serves to push her further and further away

I feel so strongly for her

and I don't know how to express it without scaring her

without making her think that I'm saying it for the wrong reasons

but I know that she does

and I know that I should just shut the fuck up about Seattle, because I know she doesn't want to go with me

hell, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to hang out with me now

much less live with me

I don't know how I can communicate to her that I understand

that I know how she feels

that I've felt that way too

and that no matter what idiot things I say

no matter how much of an asshole I am to her

I will always love her

she will always mean more to me than anything else

and I don't want a relationship with her, other than friendly

it would be too much like incest

and if nothing else; she deserves much better than me

but nothing she does bothers me

there's nothing about her that I don't like

nothing about her that I want to push away

but I'm doing it anyway, just because I'm a fucking emotional wreck

I mean, Jesus Christ

how many times have I written entries almost solely about her?

at least half my goddamn diary is me going on about how I feel about her

wether it's confused, or angry, or just glad to have her as my friend

I don't like how dependant I am on her

I don't like that one person means so much to me

but she does

and at least it's her

and I just wish; that I could say what I mean

I just wish that I could say something...

something that would let her know I understand

something that would let her know how I feel

but without going too far

something that would...

fuck

but I can't

and all I'm fucking doing is rambling about shit that I've said a hundred times before

and no matter how many times I do

all it ever does

is make things worse

with the one person I don't want to hurt

goddamnit

I'm such a fucking failure

and now she'll probably try and cheer me up

but it doesn't matter

I'm not what's important here

she is

her feelings are paramount

she means more to me than anything else

but if she told me that she hated me, and didn't like me anymore

then without protest I would turn and leave

it would kill me inside

but it wouldn't matter

just so she doesn't have to put up with me

fuck

somebody shut me up

I'm rambling on

making things worse

'cause I think if I just keep talking something will come out that will make things better

I just wish I could let her know how I really feel

and that I knew how she really felt

I fucking hate this

here's our song Steph

me singing to you:

Saw that gap again today.

While you were begging me to stay.

Take care not to make me enter.

If I do we both may disappear.

Saw that gap again today.

While you were begging me to stay

Managed to push myself away

And you as well, my dear

And you, as well

Pushed you away my dear

I will choke until I swallow

Choke this infant here before me

What are you but my reflection?

Who am I to judge or strike you down?

But you're pushing me

And Im shoving you

And your pushing me

And Im shoving you

Rest your trigger on my finger,

Bang my head upon the fault line

You better take care not to make me enter

If I do we both may disappear

But you're pushing me

And Im shoving you

And your pushing me

And Im shoving you

You still love me

We're pushing and were shoving

And you're pushing and I'm shoving

You still love me

And were pushing and were shoving

And I'm pushing as your shoving

And Im slipping back into the gap again

I feel alive when you touch me...

I feel alive when you hold me...

...down

Slipping back into you

I am somewhere I dont wanna be, yeah

Put me somewhere I dont wanna be

Push me somewhere I dont wanna be

Seeing someplace I don't wanna see

Never wanna see that place again...

Saw that gap again today

While you were begging me to stay

Managed to push myself away,

And you as well, my dear

If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,

You minimize my movement anyway,

I must persuade you another way

Pushing and Shoving and

Pushing me

There's no love in fear.

Staring down the hole again.

Hands are on my back again.

Survival is my only friend.

Terrified of what may come.

Remember I will always love you,

As I claw your fucking throat away.

It will end no other way.

-Pushit

(Salival version)

Tool

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