"Again Pt. 2" 2002-12-27 - 12:22 a.m.

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This is a discussion me and Robyn had on IM after she read my last diary entry(which you should go back and read before you read this)

MsUnknown225 = Robyn

Opiatejr = Me

MsUnknown225: don't be depressed, brah!

MsUnknown225: god damn you!

MsUnknown225: you're a good guy.

opiate jr: what?

opiate jr: did you just read my diary or something?

MsUnknown225: yes.

opiate jr: ah, that explains it

MsUnknown225: misty...

MsUnknown225: is misty.

opiate jr: and I...

opiate jr: am me

MsUnknown225: she's very loud and outspoken.

MsUnknown225: and she likes to be blunt.

MsUnknown225: like you.

opiate jr: you weren't there tonite

MsUnknown225: what did she do?

opiate jr: yeah, which makes it all that much worse

MsUnknown225: sorry.

MsUnknown225: i try to help....:-(

opiate jr: she's being blunt when she treats me bad; not just hiding her true feelings of love or something I'd hope for like that

MsUnknown225: ah, brett...

opiate jr: and as for what she did... there was nothing specific, really, although...

opiate jr: there was this one time in Wal-Mart; where she hugged Steph, and then she dragged me into it so we were all three hugging; and my head ended up resting on top of hers, and as soon as it did; she got this disgusted look on her face and pushed me away; and then walked away from me

opiate jr: other than that it was just little things over the course of the evening

MsUnknown225: :-( i'm sorry, bro.

MsUnknown225: i'm sure she didn't mean it.

opiate jr: yeah, you're sorry, I'm sorry; everybody's sorry

opiate jr: and you said it yourself; she likes to be blunt

MsUnknown225: well who is she?

MsUnknown225: one person.

MsUnknown225: granted...i know you like her, but...

MsUnknown225: you're better than that.

MsUnknown225: than her.

opiate jr: yeah, one person in a long line who've turned me down again and again

opiate jr: I'm better than NO ONE

opiate jr: and I don't say that out of depression

MsUnknown225: oh brett, shut up. you are so much better than a lot of people.

opiate jr: I say that out of honesty

MsUnknown225: don't feel sorry for yourself.

MsUnknown225: that's my job.

opiate jr: *pfft*

opiate jr: when was the last time you let me cheer you up

MsUnknown225: well.

MsUnknown225: we can try.

MsUnknown225: we can only try.

opiate jr: besides, it's gone past 'feeling sorry for myself' and gone on to 'given up on myself a long time ago'

MsUnknown225: -le sigh-

MsUnknown225: you should never give up on anything.

MsUnknown225: people can change.

MsUnknown225: things can change.

MsUnknown225: time can change.

MsUnknown225: you can change.

MsUnknown225: but none of that will happen if you aren't open or ready for it.

opiate jr: I've changed alot, and I have gotten better in some ways; and worse in others

MsUnknown225: you have changed.

opiate jr: but I will never, ever, be worth anything

MsUnknown225: god damn you, brett, you'r4e worth more than you know.

opiate jr: any good things that come to me are either luck or a blessing, but nothing deserved

MsUnknown225: fucking bullshit.

MsUnknown225: you deserve a lot, brett.

opiate jr: maybe

MsUnknown225: no.

MsUnknown225: definetly.

opiate jr: even if I do; the only good thing I'm going to get is release

MsUnknown225: maybe you just have to work to get the things you think you deserve.

opiate jr: most people count the days of their lives, count happy memories; I count cigarettes

MsUnknown225: you need to change that, then/

MsUnknown225: .

opiate jr: one pack at a time, until I reach my goal

MsUnknown225: what's your goal? death? dying? becomming just like every other one of your dead heroes?

opiate jr: that about sums it up, yeah

MsUnknown225: well, why?

MsUnknown225: why death?

opiate jr: every moment I'm alive grates on my nerves, and they're already worn thin

opiate jr: because that's the only way I can escape my life

opiate jr: at the moment the good things I have(including you) are outshined by the mountains of shit

MsUnknown225: mountains can crumble.

opiate jr: and the only reason I don't get in my van and drive 90mph on Oracle in the wrong direction is that I keep telling myself that someday things'll be better

MsUnknown225: and they will/

MsUnknown225: .

opiate jr: sometimes "someday" is after I move out of my house

opiate jr: most time "someday" is the day they bury my cold, dead ass

opiate jr: cigarettes relax me because they remind me I'm dying; they relax me 'cause they make me feel like I'm actually doing something to reach my goal. The reason I smoke Pall Malls as opposed to the mellower Marlboros that everyone else likes is that Pall Malls taste like death. That's why most people find them disgusting, and only old people; who are close to death already; smoke them

MsUnknown225: i don't know.

MsUnknown225: i don't know.

MsUnknown225: i don't know.

MsUnknown225: i don't know why an eternal sundown is your goal.

MsUnknown225: but at the same time

MsUnknown225: i do.

opiate jr: 'cause to me, death=peace; it's the poor bastards that are still alive that suffer

opiate jr: at funerals, I don't cry for the dead

opiate jr: I cry for the ones who have to live on without them

MsUnknown225: exactly.

opiate jr: when Layne died; I wasn't depressed because he was dead

opiate jr: I was depressed because my life was that much worse for not having him/his band and their music in it

MsUnknown225: i don't know.

MsUnknown225: it's just so stupid.

opiate jr: to you

MsUnknown225: being alive, i mean.

MsUnknown225: and being dead.

opiate jr: maybe, but it's what we're given; and you have to play the hand you're delt

opiate jr: I'm suffering through being alive(no matter how pointless it seems to me) because I have people like you and Stephanie and even Misty; and because I believe that someday things will be better

MsUnknown225: and they will be.

MsUnknown225: they have to be.

opiate jr: I may be looking forward to death, but I'm not going to go out of my way to accheive it(other than smoking) because I believe that someday things will be better

MsUnknown225: then you're normal.

opiate jr: cigarettes are my insurance policy; something that lets me know that if things don't get better, I won't have to carry on with it

opiate jr: and if they do, then I can die at the top

opiate jr: the Romans had a saying(and I put this on Mrs. Minor's board once): "Die Now", it was said to friends in a time of great happiness. It meant: "You're at your peak, things are only down hill from here, so you might as well just quit while you're ahead"

MsUnknown225: break fast today, men, because today we go out to meet our maker.

opiate jr: and I've taken that to heart in the form of little cancer sticks

MsUnknown225: spartan warriors.

MsUnknown225: just be careful.

MsUnknown225: my grandpa and aunt died from lung cancer.

MsUnknown225: it sucks.

opiate jr: there are lots of ways to die that suck; and those that don't you usually have to do yourself. I'd rather pick the way I die than just have life throw me one at random

opiate jr: wether it sucks or not

MsUnknown225: ah.

MsUnknown225: death discussions.

MsUnknown225: NO MORE!

MsUnknown225: let's celebrate life.

MsUnknown225: and not think about death.

MsUnknown225: even if only for a moment.

In the words of Motorhead: "And don't forget to choke on it!"

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