A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Again" 2002-12-26 - 9:46 p.m.

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what a freaking day

man, I'm bloody blown away

woke up early this morning and got together with Steph and Robyn to exchange gifts

it was cool

they seemed to like my gifts and I liked what I got

and Robyn made me this little "Man in the Box" box with a picture of Layne Staley on the top and the lyrics to the chorus of the song on the sides

it's absolutely sick

I love it more than anything else I got this year, thank you so much Robyn.

anyway

after we hung out for a little bit, and ordered pizza, and rented Mulan(which I didn't stick around to watch 'cause I didn't feel good) I went home

then later Steph and Misty called me and we hung out for a little bit

first I worked my ass off trying to sell my old leather jacket to my sister so I could afford a new one

it took me half an hour and left me physically exhausted afterwards, but I did it

and I love my new leather jacket

anyway

after that I went to Best Buy and cashed in my gift card for Facelift(Alice's first album) and the Alice in Chains Unplugged DVD

yeah, I'm beginning to realize just how obssessed with them I really am

but hey, as DDP says: "That's not a bad thing, that's: A Good Thing!"

Music is my life

I live for music

it keeps me alive

and Alice in Chains is my favorite music

it only makes sense that I have a downright unhealthy obssession with them

Anyway

then I went to Hot Topic and cashed in my gift card there for a Black Sabbath t-shirt I really liked

Christmas has been bloody good to me this year

and it's not even over yet

I'm still getting my present from Evan

(I already know what it is; we agreed to get eachother the same thing)

and I still have an uncle/uncles(Greg & Terry, my gay uncle(Greg) and his lover(Terry)/my favorite relatives/the only ones I'm going to stay in contact with after I get out on my own) that might send me money

or maybe another gift card to somewhere

or something

either way; Christmas this year has kicked ass and it's not over yet

although, even counting the money, even counting the leather jacket, even counting Dance Dance Revolution(with Dance Pad), and even counting the Alice in Chains box set; my favorite present is still Robyn's 'Man in the Box' she made

that thing is the most thoughtful/sweet present I've ever gotten Robyn, from the bottom of my heart, thank you

I think I might be buried with it after I die

or maybe before I die

anyway

Steph gave me a 'start smoking kit'(an Ace of Spades zippo lighter, lighter fluid, and a pack of Pall Malls(my favorite brand)

the pack of Pall Malls had 20 cigarettes, like every pack

now, just short of twelve hours later; I have six

and they have to last me until I get enough money to buy more

which; barring money from my uncles or charity from one of my friends(don't take that as a hint anyone; you've already given me more than enough this year); will be next friday

six coffin nails over eight days

counting myself(who's become quite the little chain smoker) and friends(namely Misty) who like to bum my smokes, there's no way that these things are gonna last

I'll just have to stay inside a lot

I only smoke when I go out

but staying inside sucks

I'd rather be out with no cigarettes than inside with a million, even if I could smoke them

anyway

the reason I chose to write this in here, as opposed to my livejournal( www.livejournal.com/users/opiatejr ), is that when I was out with Steph and Misty this evening, I got pretty depressed

they knew, I kept denying it and saying nothing was wrong; but they knew

I've always felt honesty is the best policy, and as such I've never been good at hiding my feelings, just 'cause I don't like to be fake

and when it comes to depression, I'm even worse about it 'cause then I stop caring

anyway

at the time I wouldn't tell them why

as I said, I kept saying nothing was wrong

but here's why:

I like Misty

like, really like Misty

like, I want to date Misty

but when we're together, she treats me like crap

she always talks about how much she likes girls, but when it comes to boys she never hesitates to comment(at length) about how disgusting they are

and unlike Steph she doesn't exclude me from that category

and she's usually all over Stephanie

hugging her, and holding her hand or something like that

but when it comes to me, except for the occasional hug she seems generally disgusted by me

and I suppose, to be honest, I am kind of on the disgusting side; but(with all due respect, Steph) it's not like Stephanie's any cleaner than me

sure, she's more attractive, but I wouldn't say cleaner

Misty seems to tolerate me more than actually hang around with me

and when it comes to relationships and such, she doesn't even look at me that way

like I'm not even on the radar for being in a relationship or dating or anything of that nature

sure, I realize I don't present myself that way

but damnit...

I don't know

I could deal with her treating me bad

hell, I'd just make my band cover "Self Esteem" by Offspring and get on with it

as I've said before: I'm pretty sure a girl who treats me bad is what I need anyway

but just the way she seems so disgusted by everything about me

the way she doesn't even see me in that way

like I'm a sibling or little kid or something that's not eligible for dating

It just makes me feel like shit

like someone who I thought gets along with me really well

someone I thought I could maybe open up to, someone who would understand

someone who would be worth fighting my fears about dating for

and just one more fucking time I'm turned down

and this time I won't even get to asking, or even talking about it

this time I'm shot down before I even start

this time I'm taken off the radar before...

you get the picture

damnit

after I got home, the sheer joy of how well my Christmas was going managed to cheer me back up; but now I'm depressed again

that's just me, baby

that's just how I am

Quoth the Raven

-Nevermore

Hey, let them do it again, yeah

Hey, you said you were my friend

Hey, turn me upside down, Oh

Hey, feelin' so down

Hey, hey...hey...hey...

You made a fool of me Again

And Again

Hey, I know I made the same mistake, yeah

I, I won't do it again, no

Why, Why you slap me in the face, oww

I, I didn't say it was OK, no

No, No...

You violate a part of me Again

And Again

Ah, ooo

Doot doot, yeah

Hey, you had time to think it out, yeah

Hey, Your weak will won't help her heal her heart

Hey, I'll bet it really eats you up

Extending part of me Again

And Again

Ooo

Doot doot, yeah

-Again

Alice in Chains

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