"untitled" 2002-11-19 - 8:00 p.m.

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a week left until I see the specialist

I've been worried all day

the doctor said that it was most likely irritable bowel syndrome

irritable bowel syndrome is incurable

and according to everyone but the guy at the hospital I went to after I attempted suicide; untreatable

and I've been really thinking about that

what if this is as good as it gets?

what if I go there and he tells me I have to follow this bland-ass diet they have me on for the rest of my life?

what if I have to continue to see a therapist and go on medications for the rest of my life just to maintain how sick I am now; and learn to deal with it?

what the fuck am I supposed to do then?

I can't live with this

sure, school I can take a correspondance course

but what am I supposed to do for a job?

and how am I supposed to be in a band if I'm too sick to leave the house?

sure, I could maybe make it to practice enough times to get a song written a month

but how would I tour?

how would I play shows?

how would I be able to do anything?

how could I go on road trips?

how could I go to film school?

and how could I make movies if I went?

oh sure, there's options, there's ways I could deal

but it would be such a handicap on my life that I'd be far below normal

I couldn't do anything enjoyable

what if this is the healthiest I'm going to be for the rest of my life?

I've realized by now that I can't commit suicide, no matter how much I want to

it's no longer even considerable

I just plain don't have the balls

so what the hell am I supposed to do?

my friends won't kill me

my parents won't

and Dr. Kevorkian's in jail

I honestly don't think I could live on if this is the healthiest I'll ever be

that would be hell

plain and simple

I can't think of anything worse without getting stupid and childish

I'm really scared

I'm now faced with one of the few things in life I'm honestly and truly afraid of

I honestly don't fear death

and without that there's not much else to fear

murderers, aliens, etc.

[bees I have a phobia for, but that's beside the point]

but debilitation has been my biggest fear ever since I was little

something that would keep me from living without killing me

like paralysis, or senility

or what I'm facing now

this is scary

for the first time in a very long time I'm actually afraid

really and truly afraid, to the core of my being

and in all seriousness, unlike that one entry I wrote a month or so ago; where I thought I might have bowel cancer, this is the likely possibility

this is what is probably wrong with me

I'm beyond words

it's going to be a week

one week, today

then however long it takes to get results from whatever tests they run

shit

goddamnit

I'm really scared

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