"Somewhere" 2002-11-04 - 12:11 a.m.

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I feel terrible again

I think the appropriate phrase by now is: "as usual"

f'ing disease

as cocky as it may sound I DO have a pretty high threshold for pain; but this makes me curl up and start praying for relief like a child

it's not something I'm overtly proud of, but I don't have the ego to say I'm ashamed of it

that it compromises my manliness or some bullshit

it's just a strong point to the case that something is seriously wrong with me

but that's old news

"old news", a textbook definition of a 'contradiction in terms'

anyway

what's new is that now my mom has called in the reinforcements

my aunt

my aunt is everything I don't like about my mom with none of the things I do

now; I'm the last person to say that women are better off with men, or that people should be paired up, or anything stupid like that;

but I think the only reason my mom isn't as bad as my aunt is that she married my dad

and thusly logic ditates that my aunt, who's remained unmarried and I'm pretty sure single her entire 40 something years, would benefit from some type of company

I'm not talking anything as childish as "she needs to get laid"; I'm saying she needs some companionship in the most intimate(but not necessarily sexual) way

either way, she called me up today

to tell me "she's worried about me"

every time she said it was like someone hitting me in the face with a trash-can lid

no, I've been hit in the face with trash-can lids; this was much worse

apparently my mom called her and told her about my problems, and now she's worried too

the only difference is that she seems to be genuinely worried, and concerned

where as my mom just seems to want me to be normal, to the point of not caring about my feelings or needs on the fact; just so long as nothing's wrong or abnormal about me

but they both express it with the same tone of voice(overall), the same expressions, and it's really just like my mom called in reinforcements

it feels like it's as childish as "me against her" and now she's called in the "big guns" as it were

*sigh*

but hopefully it'll just be that one call

anyway

Evan talked to me today on IM

says he wants to bury the hatchet and pull his head out of his ass

I'm all for it

this is what I've been hoping for ever since that fateful morning when Steph called me up and told me to read what he wrote in his diary

of course it comes not without reserve

with it all comes my feeling of guilt that I'm hoping he'll want to join the band again or something

I feel like crap about it

he's expressed how he doesn't want to be in a band over and over, and yet I still hope for it daily

when he said he wanted to be friends again it was the first thought in my mind

it takes a certain amount of restraint not to ask him about it again

and that I am kind of ashamed of

he's made his wished clear, and as a friend I should respect them, but at the same time I have to actually try not to give in to my own selfish wants

but at the same time; I've kind've chalked it up to compulsive behavior

every second of every day, no matter what's going through the front of my mind; somewhere in the back is always thinking of playing in a band, or something related to that

all the time

and so it comes as no surprise that if someone could be reasonably involved with that, that I should ponder that aspect in the back of my mind while the front of it focuses on them

but I still feel guilty

*sigh*

I don't know

all in all it's moot right now I suppose

I've got a month before I can set anything in motion, and that leaves me plenty of time to just talk with him and let things sort themselves out

I've got a drummer

and unless he brings it up first I won't say a damn thing

but I'm still gonna hope

and feel guilty for doing that

I suppose I wouldn't feel guilty if we hadn't been over it so many times

if I didn't feel that my near incessant asking of "will you come back?" every time I talked with him for a while there was the reason that he stopped wanting to talk to me

but there's nothing I can do about that

I'll just be grateful that he wants to be my friend at least, and try to hold back my selfish desires

*sigh*

friendships are so complicated

that's why I have a big sticker that says "anti-social" on my bass

Sweet Dreams

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