"Insomnia/The Way Out is Through" 2002-10-31 - 1:45 a.m.

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my last entry was kind of cheery, go back and read that. This one's for me, it's not important

my insomnia's back

gee, too bad I don't have any sleeping pills...

before anyone can bitch; that's just a joke, I'm not planning on killing myself ever again, and I did warn you not to read this

anyway

I haven't gotten to sleep easily in two goddamn weeks

the same amount of time since I've written an entry in here about anything but my stomach

fucking disease

fucking goddamn doctors waiting to do any fucking goddamn thing about it

fucking life kicking me in the nuts

*sigh*

anyway

the reason I'm not sleeping is that I'm up thinking

up until now it's been the exact same as what I'm putting in my diary

just going over the same things about my stomach

wondering how the fuck I'm supposed to go on with my life with this debilitating fucking problem

but for once I think I've got an answer that won't land me in the hospital with my friends worried as hell

for which I should apologize again

you guys were more concerned than my parents

thank you, from the bottom of my heart

anyway

as of the end of this week I'll have missed a month of school

and it's a month until my appointment with the specialist

which means that by the time I'd be cured/treated/whatever; I'd have already missed two months, making even that chronic health thing they've been trying to get worked out moot

now my mom's going to try and get me an appointment with the specialist at the air force base for something sooner

of course there's the burning question of why the fuckheads didn't just send me there in the first place; and the response that there must have been a reason, and whatever it is it's probably good enough to keep me from getting an appointment this weekend

still following? now; this means that if I can't get an appointment any sooner(which is unlikely) I won't be able to pass this year of high school

now, my options stand at either:

A) picking up at the second semester and making up the first in summer school; which is a possibility, although I'm pretty sure my low attendance might negate that

B) repeating my senior year next year, to which I say: fuck that, I'm this close to dropping out when I'm doing good, I'm not redoing a goddamn year of school

or C) a correspondance course/home schooling

if you chose C; you pass

if you chose A or B, you have chosen poorly and you age super quick and die like that guy in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

anyway

A friend of mine last year by the name of Emily Graham only had to attend one semester of high school because she took the rest through correspondence courses.

My bet is she didn't even have to attend that one semester, she just wanted to to see what public high school was like

anyway

my point is that I could just take correspondence courses to get the rest of my credits filled out and get my high school diploma; and then when I get cured/treated/whatever, I can just get a full time job and have that much more money for when I blow this town

looking at it now it actually seems kinda sweet

but really I'm going to be sad to not be attending school anymore

sure, school bites ass; and I'll still be seeing Robyn and Steph and Trevor once I get better

but I won't see Ms. Wujcik(my art teacher, who's cool as hell) or Jinx anymore

and I won't get too finish my shirt in art class

which sucks beyond the capacity for rational thought

but actually... other than that there's not much to miss about school

hell; Ms. Wujcik's cool; I bet if I wanted I could show up for 2nd period art and work on my shirt and hang out with Jinx even if I wasn't actually attending school anymore

but oh well, I'm getting ahead of myself

the main problem that's been keeping me up for an extra hour or so is convincing my mom of all this

despite the fact that she had to come pick me up from the hospital after I'd attempted to end my fucking life because this disease was too much for me yesterday; she still seems to think that it's a pretty light-hearted problem.

that if I just go to school I'll realize that it's all in my head and everything will be fine

now there's been spots where I haven't really gotten along with my mom before; but this is the first time I've ever really thought that she's being a major hindrance on my life

she says that she only gets pissed when I'm not trying; but up until now the only thing I could think to do was just wait, there wasn't anything I could do

but now my path is clear, and I've realized what to do, and I think I might even have an idea on where to start

now I just have to present this all to my mom in a well-thought-out manner

hell; I think even if my mom can get me an appointment with the specialist this weekend, I'm going to try to go about this whole correspondance course thing

the idea of no more school is just too tempting

at first it was just a "well, if it comes to that" type of thing; but now I can't think of any way I'd rather have it

shit, now I just have to try and get to sleep and wait until tomorrow to try and turn thought/want into action

I know you're all asleep, and I told you not to read this, and that by the time you do I'll have already tried to go through with it all; but wish me luck

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