"Jelly Belly" 2002-10-23 - 12:53 a.m.

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*****Disclaimer****

this entry is about my stomach problems; I wouldn't recommend reading it if you don't want to hear me bitch about the weird things my stomach is doing

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can't sleep again

half because of my stomach

half because I'm thinking about my stomach

I get sick a lot

I haven't been back to school yet

I want to go back so badly; I never thought I actually would

but now I'm not sure if I'll make it tomorrow either

I'm thinking about how certain realizations that have come about recently along with my bad description giving skills may have severely hampered the diagnosis of just what the fuck is wrong with me

I was so glued to the idea that it was irritable bowel just becuase that's what I thought it was that I didn't think of things in a certain way; and now I may have led the doctor to a mis-diagnosis

lately I've come to realize that I'm not actually making myself sick through being nervous

I just always assumed I was because I was always nervous about it

but lately I've been feeling fine, not nervous at all, and I've stil gotten sick

which means that all the times I thought my being nervous caused it were just a coincidence; which actually rules out irritable bowel syndrome entirely

and then there's the feeling that I have to go to the bathroom all the time

I was so glued to the idea that it was irritable bowel syndrome that I just passed it off as being nervous, because that's what I figured it had to be; but now I realize that that's not the case, that it's something else entirely

and remember how I mentioned "things falling out of me" in a past entry?

well for one I'm pretty sure(and I'm basing this on nothing really, other that just how they look) that they're actually pieces of my stomach and/or intestinal lining that are coming out of me

which has to be bad

and for two I keep forgetting to f'ing tell my doctor

which is definitely bad

and now that I'm realizing all this; I'm realizing that my doctor is misinformed

I'm wondering what the fuck I actually have; how bad it is; and if it's curable

and I'm worried that I may miss school again tomorrow

I mean; missing this much school is bad on its own

and then there's the fact that I'm not getting to see my friends or work on my shirt in art

and then there's the make-up work

and then there's my mom

we had a vigorous argument about my missing school monday

she was angry at me for missing school today

and she told me that I have to go to school tomorrow

and quite frankly I'm afraid of what she's going to do if I miss school again

I have a fucking debilitating stomach disease and she's pissed off at me because I can't just pretend nothing's wrong

and no matter what the fuck I say; she just can't grasp the fact that it really is debilitating

I'm not just whining for no reason

I can't function with this fucking disease; and if I could I would but I can't

and no matter how much I try and stress that she still tells me that I have to just pretend nothing's wrong and go on with my life

if I could do that I wouldn't even be talking about it; I would just go on and I wouldn't even fucking say anything's wrong

but she just can't fucking get that

*sigh*

if I end up being sick tomorrow, and she gets all pissed off at me when she gets home; I'm going to go get my mini-stapler, and put a bunch of staples into my hand without flinching(I can do that)

then I'm going to say: "see what kind of threshold for pain I have? Now when I say that my stomach hurts too much to go to school; then my stomach fucking hurts too much for me to go to school"

*sigh*

yeah, I talk big now; but I wonder if I'll be able to do that should the situation arise

and it might

I'm confident about the staples and the not-flinching; it's the yelling back at my mom that I'm worried about

fuck

I hate this

I hope I don't get sick tomorrow

I hope they can cure whatever the fuck I have

or if not I hope they can at least name the damn disease after me

I've given serious thought to the possibility that I have bowel cancer

and if I do I hope that it kills me soon

I don't know how much longer I can deal with this

I'm not sure which is worse, the actual problem

or dealing with my mom's reaction to it