"Problems" 2002-10-22 - 8:11 p.m.

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media bastards have finally decided to print excerpts from Kurt Cobain's diary in Newsweek

they were also on the internet and I just read them

nothing major

I didn't really have expectations of "What the All Mighty Kurt should be like", it's just interesting. The same effect as when I read someone else's diary in diaryland for the first time

I learned he also had a mysterious debilitating stomach problem

of course, his seemed to be much more serious than mine is

it's just interesting to know

I've stopped thinking about my life all together

it just hurts to much to try and think about it

better to just think about what's in front of me at the moment

keep an empty head like I always fucking hated

my life consists of television and masturbation

it's disgusting

I still hate myself

but now there's no pressure

just flick my brain into the "off" postion and find new reasons to hate myself

I need help

I don't know what kind though

I doubt a therapist could help me

I need a guide

someone who can show me: "This is what you need to do to solve this"

because despite the fact that I have a mensa level IQ(or at least I used to; I seriously believe my IQ has dropped drastically since I took that test) I can't seem to figure anything out

but that might have something to do with how I won't think of things logically

instead of doing things right and looking at one problem at a time, thinking them over, solving them, and moving to the next one; I look at them all at once so that I cower in fear and shut my brain down so that I don't have to deal with it.

fuck

I hate myself

shit

I'm going to fucking try and deal with this

wish me luck

I'm gonna need it

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