"Klotera" 2002-10-20 - 12:13 a.m.

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went to Wilson for my walk today

the fucker security guard kicked me out

some old bastard telling me "young man, the campus is closed"

I would've argued except that I knew if I did he'd call the police, and that if I opened my mouth again my exterior would crack and I'd cry

I couldn't believe it

my solace taken away by some old bastard with a gut wearing a baseball cap that says "security" on it

if I'd have raised my voice and resisted he probably would've cowered in terror until I left, then called the police

but what would be the fucking point?

besides, I can probably still go sit on the playground, I just can't walk around the school anymore

it wasn't even like I went inside the buildings or anything

fuckhead

I don't want to sleep

because doing so means then when I wake up I'll be one day closer to when school starts again

and once school starts up life resumes as usual

except now I'm 18. And for every day that passes my need for a job grows ever more urgent

every day that I'm not planning my future builds up for disaster

and every day that I'm not in a grunge band grates on my brain until I can't think straight

I can't take that kind of pressure

when I think about it I want to curl up in a corner and cry

but that doesn't work anymore

not like it did when I was a kid

but I know something that does

I have a multi-tool thingy my dad gave me in my closet

it has a razor on it

the pain would be momentary

I imagine it would be like falling asleep

taking a nap on an elevator going down...

the only support I have against it is my resolve that someday things won't suck

I've lost everything else

and every day my resolve ebbs just a little more...

it'll be a race to see which ends first,

the trials

or my resolve

ash to ash

dust to dust

fade to black...

"is this a test?

it has to be

otherwise I can't go on"

-The Patient

Tool

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