"Schism v2.0" 2002-10-16 - 10:15 p.m.

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this thing with Evan is killing me

I didn't want to write about Evan

I was going to write about how the "Kurt & Courtney" episode of Law & Order wasn't as fact-based as I thought it was going to be

the episode started with "Courtney" dying, and it turned out to be the original drummer of the band who killed both of them

but as I got on I decided to turn on IM to see if I could talk to Stephanie, and Evan was on

for the first time since all this crap started we talked about what his fucking problem was

we didn't resolve anything, but we talked about it

I want to hate him, I really do

but no matter what I hear he's done, no matter how many times he blows me off; I still remember how cool he used to be, how much I really did like to be around him

I don't usually get attached to people, especially when they do a lot of stuff that pisses me off

but for some reason I still like him

for some reason I just can't let the bond I thought we shared go

in talking about his problems he's revealed just how eerily alike we really are

deep down

the only difference is he can stay mad at people to their face

if I had his resolve then I would be in the same boat as him

but as soon as I see Stephanie or hear her voice my resolve melts, and I remember the good things and I remember why I consider her the best friend I've ever had

if I had Evan's resolve then she'd be hating me right now, and I'd be sitting alone and regretting everything

just like he's doing

and what hurts the most is that we'll never work this out

it's more likely that he'll commit suicide before we ever hang out again

and I keep thinking that maybe he's right, maybe we do think so differently that we shouldn't be friends

but at the same time I feel that we're much more alike than he realizes

but he'll never accept that

so which should I listen to?

my head-and just give up on him, try not to think about him and just try and convince myself that I hate him,

or my heart-and keep trying and holding that damn candle until things reach some conclusion, for better or worse

I don't know

I don't know anything

damnit

fucking God damnit

here's proof that fucked up people can't be happy

he's hurting(or so he says; I believe him) because he's pushed everyone away

I'm hurting because I can't push everyone away

we've got the same issues, he just has better resolve

for all the fucking good that did him

Quoth the Raven -Nevermore