"Birthday Song" 2002-10-07 - 11:37 p.m.

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still manic

it's starting to bother me

I now only have three classes in school. It's excellent. I only have to spend an hour and fifty minutes there tomorrow. Then I'm going to Arby's. Mmmm... a few pounds of processed Roast Beef always hit the spot. The only problem's going to be that I'm going to crave it for the rest of the day but won't have the means to obtain more.

Saw Stephanie today. I almost didn't want to. As I walked over to where everyone it's lunch I kept thinking: "oh shit" in a real "well, if I *have* to" type way. Dreading whatever excuse she was going to have about not calling me this weekend. But the minute she ran up to me(with no makeup I might add; I've always like her better with no makeup) and gave me a hug I just couldn't stay mad. I was pretty dissapointed she hadn't called me, and I wasn't going to take whatever crap excuse she gave me. But she said "I was so busy this weekend" and that was enough for me. I didn't even ask "with what?" or anything. I just accepted it and smiled. That's why I only yell at people in here; I just can't stay mad at them to their face. She hugged me and all my stupid little shallow problems dissipated, and I was just so happy to see Stephanie again. I just hope she actually gets around to hanging out with me this time around. My birthday's saturday. I'm going to go to Casa Video and rent Cemetary Man and the Crimson Ghost; and maybe Die Monster Die. 3 Fucking good movies. 2 of which are on my "favorites" list. I just better have an accoustou-electric bass by the end of the night. Then Nightfall. Oh man that's gonna be sweet. I've been debating wether or not to invite Trevor. On one hand he's my friend but on the other hand that doesn't really seem like his bag. It would be one thing if I just thought it was fun, but I get REALLY, *REALLY* into it. That's like heaven for me. I'm only willing to share that in front of people who are either really close to me or in the same state of mind. Last year I took my now ex-girlfriend. She was the only person close enough to me that I would let see me like that. This year I'll probably end up inviting Stephanie. I wasn't planning to but after today I will. Wether she'll actually show up or not is the question. Then there's Robyn. A month ago she was most definitely invited. Now... I don't know. Things have been wierd lately, and I don't want to ruin my experience by having it be the beginning of patching things up. Sure, I want to patch things up; but I don't want to worry about starting it there. I don't know. There's the possibility I'll see her at school sometime this week and completely turn things around like with Stephanie. meh. So far I'm just going to invite Steph. But as I said: wether she'll go or not... We'll just have to wait and see. I think that's enough shallow drivel for now.

Except to say that things have changed about my birthday. What used to be celebrated as a big holiday where I could get a bunch of things I wanted has turned into bargaining to try and get one expensive thing. The joy has been sucked out of it in that I now have to bargain with my parents just to get them to buy me what I want. If they don't I'm just going to buy it myself with the money they give me; but I still have to fucking work to get them to do it for me. On my fucking birthday. Shit. Mom won't think twice to pay three or four hundred dollars for pictures of me from Rembrandt; when we have a fucking camera at home; but to spend about a hundred on me over the course of a few months(payment plan for the bass) with me paying the rest after that(that means I pay four hundred; for my fucking birthday present) ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY; I have to bargain for. That'll suck the magic out of your birthday real fucking fast. When you have to pay for your own birthday presents it pretty much kills the "holiday" aspect of it. And I have to fucking beg to get my parents to even chip in because it's my birthday. Yeah. I think I'll be switching to depressed mode after this.

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