"Lovesong" 2002-10-05 - 12:14 a.m.

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Some things never change

I keep thinking of "Cupid's Victim" by Tiger Army

that's what I am

Cupid nailed me in the heart; and I'm slowly dieing from the hemmorhage

I was digging through my closet today, found my yearbook from Encinal

Jessica's picture was in it

I sat there and stared at it

No matter what I try and tell myself about how it would never have worked; no matter how hard I try and convince myself that I don't have feelings for her anymore; I still do

I would do anything for her

Smash anyone or anything I love

for her

Destroy those around me

for her

if I believed in the crap about the devil and selling souls then she's the only thing I could think would be worth selling my soul for

and I will never have her

no matter how bad I try and reason with myself, I still have half-assed fantasies about her being a fan of my band when we're famous; about meeting her at a show; ending up happily ever after

it won't happen

no matter what I told Stephanie and Robyn and Patty; I think the only person I've ever been really and truely *in* love with is Jessica.

I've never felt pain like the day I knew she was gone

and no matter how long it's been since the last time I thought about her, the next time I do I still feel as strongly for her as I did when she sat accross from me in Ms. Boytz's class.

When I think of her I don't think of my problems, I don't think of pushing her away to save her from me

there's only the selfish desire to be with her

she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen

even if she's immortalized forever as a tiny black and white yearbook photo that probably looks nothing like her now

I had a crush on her from the moment I laid eyes on her, and then as we talked it blossomed into love

and if it was anything less it would've faded by now

my only consolation in that I'll probably never see her again is that it probably wouldn't've worked if we were around eachother

pretty shitty consolation huh?

every time I see her in my mind, every thought I have of her, is directly followed by the memory of Amy saying: "I like a boy here, but I won't say anything to him because he likes Jessica" and I turn just in time to see her slam her head against the table in disgust.

I can still hear her head thump against the table, and every time it replays in my mind it's like a hammer on my heart

but even with that I still love her

'I have to be the tragic figure out in the rain mourning my lost love'

I guess that makes me a flake, eh Merv?

Maybe in another life

I could find you there

Pulled away before your time

I can't deal it's so unfair

And it feels

And it feels like

Heaven's so far away

And it feels

Yeah it feels like

The world has grown cold

Now that you've gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave

Show that I still care

But black roses and Hail Mary's

Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky

And call out your name

And if I could trade

I would

And it feels

And it feels like

Heaven's so far away

And it stings

Yeah it stings now

The world is so cold

Now that you've gone away

-Gone Away

The Offspring

I know it's not quite accurate, because as far as I know she's alive; but there's a few choice lines in there that fit

whenever I'm alone with you you make me feel

like I am home again whenever I'm alone with

you you make me feel like I am whole again

whenever I'm alone with you you make me feel

like I am young again whenever I'm alone with

you you make me feel like I am fun again

however far away I will always love you however

long I stay I will always love you whatever

words I say I will always love you I will always

love you

whenever I'm alone with you you make me feel

like I am free again whenever I'm alone with

you you make me feel like I am clean again

however far away I will always love you however

long I stay I will always love you whatever

words I say I will always love you I will always

love you

-Lovesong

The Cure