"Holy Man" 2002-10-04 - 12:13 a.m.

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I should kick Evan in the nuts the next time I see him.

Just walk up and punch him like in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

I wish he would just fucking tell me "I don't ever wanna hang out with you again" and get it over with instead of telling me "maybe" and then just blowing me off later.

To be fair I was planning on practicing without him and would've done so if I could've gotten ahold of Robyn. I just chose to invite him as an afterthought and it's easisest to take my frustration out on him.

And regardless of how much I planned to involve him; the fact is that he still flaked on me.

Bastard.

Watched "Warlock" today.

It marks the only time I've ever thought Amish people were cool.

Trevor's kind've become my best friend by default.

He's the only person I really talk to anymore.

It's cool with me; I should just try and hang out with him other than for the band.

"The band" *snort of contempt*

Talked to my counciler[does everyone else think I spelled that wrong?] today.

I'm actually planning for my future now.

I guess it had to happen eventually.

It just feels weird to be thinking that far ahead.

I'm so used to the fact that knowing something major will change that I can't control so I can't make plans.

But now I'm in control and I'm trying my damndest not to drop the ball.

It's just weird.

I want to be a hippy.

But I'm not, so dressing like one would just make me a poser.

I hate "fashion"

even Grunge

All fashion is bullshit

I've considered just shaving my head and wearing blank clothes

but I like my hair

I don't know

I'm way too hung up on what I look like.

way way too hung up

*sigh*

I'm starting to become stupid

I'm starting to just think of what's happening in the moment

simple, impulse thoughts like: "this show sucks" or "I'm hungry" and shallow things like that

when I think back to even stuff that happened only an hour before it seems like so long ago

Mainly 'cause my life really sucks

there's no better way to put it

I don't know

Robyn always seems to think I've got so much good stuff going for me

it's funny

when we argue it's like: "I suck and you're wonderful" "no, *I* suck and *you're* wonderful"

it's like a cartoon or something

I just wish this drummer from Skrappys.com would call me and we could fucking get going with that

We're going to have to start without his ass anyway; but it would just be nice to be all together

I want to be doing *something*

I *need* money; but all the job places aren't hiring yet

Spencer's should start saturday

for some reason I'm optimistic about that, even though I have no reason to be

fuck

put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains

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