"Somewhat damaged" 2002-09-29 - 11:15 p.m.

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My head hurts. Not physically, Advil's not going to help me here. But on the inside.

It looks like posting at Skrappy's isn't going to be as useless as I thought it was going to be. Somebody's replied that says he wants to get together. Now I just have to wrangle the lot of us together and see if I can get things working for once.

Of course, that begs the question of what's going to happen with Robyn?

I have no idea as to where to even begin to approach that issue.

Stephanie put things in perspective for me. She always does.

"Forever in debt to your priceless advice" right Steph?

I just don't see her often enough.

And as for Evan... I give up.

But as for Robyn...

I suppose the only thing that I was pissed about was that the first time I read her one diary entry it...

I told you I have no idea how to even approach this.

I just got bent out of shape for no reason; and dragged up all sorts of crap.

The only thing I was really pissed at her for was the razor thing

It wasn't like I expected her to really thank me; but the first time I read her entry...

I got so happy about it, thought I had actually done something good, something right; and it sounded like she...

I don't even know what I thought she said.

There, happy?! I'm a fucking dumbass. I don't even know why I got pissed off but I did and now I've said too much that I can't take back.

She's since thanked me for taking them away from her; and I'm just as pissed at myself for feeling good about that as I was at her for god knows what.

And now I don't know how to undo all this.

This happens way too often. This is the kind of thing I do sober that I was talking about yesterday.

Shit.

I heard "zero" by the Smashing Pumpkins on the radio today. I really love that song.

It reminded me of my friend Steve.

In New Jersey he was my bestest friend ever. The two of us started a backyard wrestling league with his little brother's friends. We did it really professionally; watched how they did the moves on TV and did them exactly, it was all fake; none of that Fight Club wannabe shit.

His name was Zero and that song was his theme music.

My name was "Outcast"; my theme was Real Solution #9 by White Zombie; and I was pretty much a rip-off of Raven in his grunge days.

But anyway, that was the most fun I've ever had. I can't describe how much fun it was in his backyard, throwing his little brother's friends around and all that. Coming out to my music and doing the Crucifix on the railing of his deck.

Acting surprised and hurt when he "double-crossed" me and then "injured" me by slamming a folding chair across my knees a bunch of times whilst I screamed in pain.

And that was just the wrestling, I had lots of other fun times out in New Jersey with Steve.

But that's all over now. I haven't been back to New Jersey in years. Steve doesn't ever have time to do "EHW[Extreme Home Wrestling]" anymore. I barely ever talk to him. He's a homophobe; which made it extra fun to reveal to him I was bi. Of course it's not like it matters, I like guys but I don't want to date them. And as Stephanie put it: "that means you're horny, not bi".

But I was impressed, Steve managed to get over that and still talk to me, whenever I feel like talking to him.

He's on all the time but I never log on under the IM name he has on his buddy list.

I'm just a fucking creep, that's why.

No better reason than that.

I suppose I should give him more credit. Even though I almost never talk to him; he talks to me when I log on. He talks to me even though he's homophobic and I'm "bi". I just can't accept that people like me.

I just have trouble believing that Stephanie would keep coming back after all the shit I talk about her in my diary. But she does.

She told me I should "just be Brett"; that I shouldn't try and fix everyone and be perfect.

But I don't know how. You'd think that would be the simplest thing in the world, to just stop trying and be yourself. But I can't. I used to know how. That's probably why Steve still wants to be my friend. He only remembers the me who was just me. That's why Stephanie keeps coming back; because she *still* remembers that me.

But I don't. I've tried to be something I'm *REALLY* bad at being, and now I don't know how to stop.

I don't know anything.

I really don't...

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