"Left Behind" 2002-09-28 - 11:10 p.m.

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Woohoo! Confirmation that nothing I do will ever be right.

Those things cost 99 cents Robyn; I'll give you a dollar the next time I see you. You can get shiny new ones.

I don't know anything. I feel like such a whore for thinking that something I did was worthwhile only to find out that it wasn't; and that when I "felt alive" I was just deluding myself.

My life is so fucking pointless.

Band: Dead in the water

Friends: those that didn't leave me of their own free will I pushed away

Comic: For all my optimism 'tis badly drawn anyway

Film School: *phht* right.

Point: if anybody can find one, I'm all ears.

I will never ever get what I want out of life. What has occured so far only supports that. And it's not so fun playing Louis Creed when there's no horror afoot.

I'm going to drink when I grow up.

Heavily.

Oh sure, I know it's a fucking dumb idea. I'm way too bad when I get pissed off sober to ever jeopardize the people around me with being drunk.

But there won't be people around me.

And what does it matter.

Staying sober would only be struggling futilely against what I would eventually do anyway.

And who knows? maybe being drunk would actually dull the pain.

Millions of alcoholics the world over can't be wrong.

but I've got 3 years until I'm of age. What the fuck am I supposed to do 'till then?

Oh sure, I'm sure most of you are "cool people" that already drink; I'm sure you think I'm being a "goody goody" or whatever for not drinking already.

But fuck you.

Fuck all of you.

I write in here 'cause it helps me.

I've never given a fuck as to what other people think of me.

Even if I am justifying something like obeying the law.

So fuck all of you.

Where the fuck were you when I needed affirmation? Where the fuck were you when I needed people to be nice to me?

Well now I don't need you.

What the fuck have other people ever gotten me? Hurt.

Stephanie: I care about you so much; I wish you could realize how much I care. But I won't be calling you.

Evan: I can't stress enough how much it wasn't you. But I still don't wanna be in a band. Oh and, uh, I don't have time to hang out, I'm sick.

Robyn: I'm glad it made you "feel alive" but to me it was just stupid. But I'll kill you if you ever feel self-destructive.

Brett: Fuck all of you.

I try so hard to be everything I can to my friends. I try so fucking hard. I put their needs and wants in front of my own. No matter how frivolous their desire I put it in front of my own desperate needs. But when it comes time to return the favor I'm the selfish one.

I know how it must look. Like I'm conceted. Only telling my side of the story.

I always look at the things objectively. Get out of myself and look at things on the whole, not just from my perspective. And I'm still fucking right here. What have they ever done for me except tell me that they can't be there for me because they have their own problems. But if I say the same then they put their problems over mine. Say theirs are more important. Not outright but it's implied. And then I be the selfish one because I'm outright with asking for a little slack and humoring of my issues. Well fuck all of you. These are my problems coming out. Glad you couldn't be here to support me.

I was going to quote "Violet" by Hole. The "go on, take everything; I want you to" line; but I already did that. Long ago. Now off the top of my head I don't know what to quote. I let them take everything, I wanted them to. And then when everyone was all accustomed to that order of things; I was the bad guy for wanting to change it. "Your turn to give" was the phrase of my ultimate sin. And for it I am martyred. Here ranting alone in my diary. But make no mistake; I put myself on this cross. They all simply left. I'm the one who drove the nails and donned the crown of thorns. Then I scream at them from my sanctimonious perch and blame them for it all. But even though it's not all their fault as I've said; they've still proven that they wouldn't bear the weight with me.

If I would, could you?

Apparently not.

Quoth the Raven -Nevermore

...I have to get my own catch-phrase

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