"Plush" 2002-09-20 - 3:04 a.m.

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hey, I almost didn't update tonight. For some strange reason I fell asleep at like 9 and just woke up now. I'm about to go back to sleep, and wouldn't've updated at all but I didn't feel comfortable leaving that last entry up. I wrote it right after I finished talking to Robyn on IM and the anger was fresh. I don't know. I'm not real mad anymore, but this is the longest I've ever stayed mad at someone over something like this. I've done my usual 'put myself in their shoes' thing and I don't really want to be mad at her anymore, but I just can't help it. I don't know. But I just tried so hard to be there for her. I tried so hard to be nice to her. I always tried to cheer her up; tried so hard to make sure that if I said something, I made it clear I wasn't trying to offend her. It killed me to see her sad. And when I asked her to stop cutting herself, and she kept on doing it anyway; I didn't say anything because I understood. But when I was really really depressed and confessed I was thinking about doing heroin because I wanted to hurt myself; she calls me 'selfish'. I guess I figured she'd understand the most the desire to want to hurt yourself when you hate yourself that much; but then she gets pissed off at me. I was looking for support and got kicked in the mouth. I was hurting already and then she adds to it. *sigh*. I don't know. It's wierd. I'm doing my "two thoughts at once" thing. I don't want to hurt her back, and I don't want to be mad at her, and I already kind of forgive her; but it just hurt a lot at a time when I was already hurting. Hell, I'd probably still be that depressed if I hadn't gotten angry over this. *sigh*, I don't know. It's not like I'm gonna stop hanging out with her. I'm still gonna try and take her to Skrappy's this weekend to look for a drummer. I'll just make her learn an Alice In Chains song to make it up to me. *snort of contempt*. In other news; I finally got my van Wednesday. Today I took the back seats out and took out the seat covers and dice and crap that my uncle had in it. It's smaller than I hoped/thought it would be, but as the saying goes: "beggars can't be choosers". Also "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" would work here, as in 'a free van is nothing to scoff at; so shut your damn mouth'. I'll be able to get a parking permit at school monday; and start driving by next tuesday. It's an insurance thing. My mom's paying for the first month, but I have to get a job soon. I've been trying, but I might have to go back to fast food. eew. I know I said I'd go hungry before I went back, but now it's no longer a matter of just myself. By my mom paying the first month of insurance; I now have an obligation to fulfill, and I may have to violate my own principals to do so, which disgusts me, but now I've got no choice. What sucked today, though; was that I had to hitch-hike home. The van key hanging from my wallet chain felt like it weighed 10 pounds in my pocket. Plus my fucking CD player wouldn't work. It does this alot(so much so I'd get a new one if I could afford it), but it really bothered me today because without music all I could hear was the thoughts of my van sitting in my driveway while I walked home with my thumb out to my side. I know that didn't make much sense, but it's the thought that counts(no pun intended). Ah well, Sweet Dreams.

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