"Would" 2002-09-18 - 10:18 p.m.

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Fuck. Robyn was pissed at me. Thought I was being selfish for wanting to do drugs. She who cuts her fucking wrists for fun. And I'm being selfish. I don't want to be pissed at her; but I can't help it. She thinks I'm a good person, that I have a reason to stay alive and healthy. If she only knew. If she only fucking knew. I don't feel like putting my long line of faults on parade at the moment; but they're all in this thing if you look. Well, I think they are. But you know what makes me worse than she could ever be? I can't help her. I can only sit and watch as she hates herself and cuts herself and feels like shit. And I can't do a damn thing about it. That makes me much worse than she could ever think she is. And she's not, you know. She's a wonderful person. But hell if I can get her to realize that. Meanwhile she tells me I have a reason to fucking live. Ha. Calls me selfish for thinking about doing drugs. Ha ha. Fuck this. I hate this. I hate all of this. If I did have heroin right now; I guarantee I'd cook up the largest batch I could and put it into my arm. I'd OD on my first try and go find Layne. Fuck this shit. Robyn: You're a better person than I'll ever be, and if you still believe you're horrible; what does that make me? Quoth the Raven -Nevermore

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