"My Friend of Misery" 2002-09-15 - 1:19 a.m.

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I feel sick. With myself. I want to run to the toilet and vomit. I'm just so sick of who I am. I was looking at my old diary entries and I hate them. All of them. I want Stephanie right now. Not in a sexual way; in a childish "I want my mommy" type way. Earlier I said I missed those talks we had out at Wilson; well right now I'd give anything for one. Not even to be talking, just to be sitting there with her. I wish things were the way they used to be. Things were so perfect, but of course I couldn't see that; I could only see the little imperfections, and I blew them up until I couldn't live with them; and so I ruined things. Like I always do. Like I fucking warned her I would. And looking back, all the imperfections that I saw were of my own creation anyway. I really hate myself. I want Stephanie. She's with Catherine right now. If things went according to plan she's watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Catherine at the Loft Theater downtown. I hope she's having a good time. I honestly do. As melodramatic as it sounds; I can't cry. I come very close but the tears never come out. And I'm not trying to be manly or any bullshit like that, but I just can't seem to cry anymore. The point being that if I could tears would be hitting the keyboard right now. This hurts so bad. This week. This horrible, horrible week. It's been the longest week of my life. This monday, when I stayed home sick, it honestly feels like it happened years ago. I can't convince myself that it was just 6 days. But every one of those days has been terrible. Sheer torture, and I say that with no exaggeration. And now, by the end of the week; it has broken down all the little delusions I made for myself. All the thoughts that I had beaten my depression; made myself "better". They're all gone. And it's just as painful as it ever was. The reopening of an old wound. Hey; I've been obsessed with the early 90's recently, right? Well Heroin was the drug of choice back then; and lately I've been really thinking of trying to get some. Then I'd know what Layne was talking about in Junkhead and Would and all those other songs. I want to go Into the Flood. For the time I was high I would feel great; and then... the inevitable. I could handle the addiction(I'm not saying I wouldn't be addicted, I'm saying I could deal with it) what's a little more pain? it'd be like pissing in the ocean. Then... the overdose. The inevitable overdose. There were commercials, a few years back, where they would show kids moshing and it would say: "this is what music does to you"; then it would say: "this is what drugs do to music" and it would rattle off a list of musicians who've OD'ed on heroin. Hillel Slovak(Red Hot Chili Peppers), Brad Nowell(Sublime), Shannon Hoon(Blind Melon); and a few others. I always added Kurt Cobain to that list; because even though he didn't OD he was on heroin when he committed suicide. And of course since then there's been more. Dee Dee Ramone. Many others that I'm forgetting. And of course: Layne Staley. The second greatest vocalist of all time. Who built a career on singing about his addiction. Even though I don't have the balls to commit suicide; that doesn't stop me from wishing for death. Every time I'm walking down Oracle, I pray for a car to swerve off the road slightly and nail me; every time I'm driving, I pray for something to go wrong; every time I- ...well, you get the picture. I already smoke cigarettes(when I can get them) as a form of slow suicide(I sure as hell don't do it for the taste); doing Heroin would just highten my chances. And it would be quite appropriate to walk down the same path as my heroes. There's only a few things stopping me from just doing heroin; but those things are important enough to keep me stopped. 1: my fear of needles. I'm one of those people with a needle phobia, I don't think I could make myself keep a needle and shoot up on a regular basis even if I tried. 2: the added annoyance of trying to obtain it and hide the actual stuff/my addiction. I'm really freakishly lazy; I'd really hate having to go out of my way to add more problems to my daily grind. 3: money. The big thing that stops me from doing everything. I can't get a PA system: because I have no money. I can't get an accoustou-electric bass: because I have no money. I can't get a car: because I have no money. I can't pay for the free van I'm going to get: because I have no money. I wouldn't be able to afford buying heroin(which I think is expensive) on a regular basis: because I have no fucking money. Every day my family slips closer to the poverty line, and the fact that I can't get a job is just another thorn in our side. I don't know, maybe one day. But for now; and for probably ever; I'll stay drug free. *snort of contempt*. I hate people who talk like that. All those fucking "straight edge" people. Ah, well. At least this kept me distracted from my real problems for a few moments. I miss Stephanie so much. I may have no money. But I'd pay any amount to have what we used to. I don't know. She has a way of proving wrong my pessimistic expectations. When I expect her to hate me for something I've said she always comes back. Just the thought of it is like lighting a candle in the darkness that is my insides right now. What I'm trying to say is that: even though we've drifted apart, even though I think I can never have back what we used to; maybe, we could. All it would really take is for me to try. Me to get off my ass and call her and talk to her and all that. She's changed, but not much. Not in the way I tried to. And although I changed for a while. I'm back now. I've reverted to the way I was back before all that shit happened. That's why I want Stephanie rather than Robyn. I still love Robyn; I'm not gonna stop hanging out with her or something dumb like that. But I don't know, she's just... when she's sad I want to cheer her up, even when I'm depressed, and then when she's happy she makes me happy. But when I'm with Stephanie, we can sit and "brood together" as I put it in an earlier entry. I don't know. That probably came out horribly wrong. I've probably offended one or both of them. But I didn't mean it like that. Despite the fact that I can't say what I mean, that it always comes out wrong and hurtful, I was trying to compliment both of them. They're like different flavors of wonderful; and I just want one flavor instead of the other at the moment. Shit. This whole entry probably came out wrong. I want Stephanie. I'm gonna call her tomorrow. I'm gonna pull my head out of my ass when it comes to her. As much as I mean these good sentiments; ending with one seems to diminish from the overall feeling I was trying to vent with this entry. I miss the way things used to be. Whoever thought sitting and beating yourself up inside with another person who felt the same way at a school playground would be the good times? I wonder. Even after what I said earlier, I still wonder: can things be as good as they were? Can I ever have that back? Time has proven that happiness, and peace of mind, were never meant for me. Quoth the Raven -Nevermore.

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