"Fine Again" 2002-09-07 - 2:38 a.m.

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well today was an interesting day all around. Woke up, went to school, came home, slept, woke up again, went out to eat with my aunt and parents right away, came home, called Robyn for the aforementioned phone call; went to the mall with her and met Stephanie, Mariah and Austin; hung out with them, came home, watched some tv, read Robyn's diary; took out my frustrations on nazis(my dad rented Medal of Honor: Frontline, which I've been loving; it's a shooting game)(and there's nothing quite like watching a nazi's head snap back after you put a bullet into his chin from a distance of 5 or 6 feet), then I tried to take a shower; and my aunt did something to the shower head that I don't like; I tried to fix it and broke it(one of the few times I'm actually trying to take a shower and the fucking thing's broken); then I went to vent my frustrations in here and the fucking rabbits and pastel colors on the sign in page really clash with my mood. This was just not my day. I don't think taking down the entire third reich single handedly would calm me down right now. I want to run down to the ring and Evenflow DDT both the guys in it; I want my music to play as I do the crucifix in the center of the ring. I want to take a holiday in cambodia. I don't want to be here. I don't want to think past the rage I'm feeling. I don't want to go out and buy Robyn a birthday present tomorrow just because I know I'm going to still be friends with her once I calm down. I don't want to be such a nice person. I don't want to tell another girl: "that's ok; I'm used to it". I want to open the valves on oil tankers and smother all those french beaches I'll never see. I want to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda that won't mate to save its species. I want to breath smoke. I don't want to keep adding and adding and adding to that "love song" entry I wrote last week. I don't want to see the same thing happen over and over with different faces in different places playing the same roles I've seen over and over and fucking over. I don't want to listen to Evan bitch about "how many lives have I started over?" when he doesn't have any fucking idea what it's like to have to start a new life over and over and over. I don't want to put myself in the other persons shoes whenever there's any type of conflict. I want to blame someone. I want to go to Silent Hill. I want to go there by myself. I don't want to look for anyone. Because if I found them; I'd just have to tell them: "it's ok, I'm used to it" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME. I do not want this. I want what I want. Quoth the Raven -Nevermore.

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