"Epiphany" 2002-08-29 - 7:26 p.m.

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I wrote this last night, but couldn't post it because diaryland was fucking up. So here it is now:

I tried to write a song again. I stopped because it was coming out all dark and sorrowful again. I don't want to just write music like that. I guess you have to write what you know, eh? Piss. Stephanie e-mailed me. She keeps forgiving me, I can't figure out why. She got pissed off at Evan for about the same thing. Except he only did it once. I don't know, it's just hard to believe someone actually likes me. Every time I read one of her e-mails I'm just shocked(pleasantly, though). I just can't figure out why she keeps coming back, it's not like I'm a good friend, and whenever I get pissed off I'm probably going to end up taking it out on her. I should just pull my head out of my ass. I should be like: 'wow, she actually cares about me', but I just can't accept it for some reason; instead I think: 'why? you know I'm just going to hurt you again, it's not like I'm fun to be around, why would you possibly want to still be friends with me?' I guess I appreciate the fact that she wants to be my friend, but I always(when I'm calm) try and look at things from the other person's view, put myself in their shoes, and it just seems like trying to be my friend would just be bad. She'd be much better off without me. I'm more concerned with her being hurt by me than I am with my feelings. That's probably the root of it. Deep down inside I know I'm going to hurt her, that she'd be better off without me, and so subconsciously I set out to drive her off, so she's not burdened with me. I don't know. This whole thing makes my brain ache. It'll probably give me an aneurysm. I don't know, I stopped wanting an aneurysm when I found out that blood doesn't spray out of your nose. I just want things to be simple. But they can't be. I've got issues, she's got issues, everybody's got issues. And I'm talking serious ones. Not the little crap that everybody has. Me and the people I'm involved with at the moment have deep-rooted psychological problems, which makes the simplest situation complicated. I used to think I wanted it like that, that I'd rather have all the issues in the world rather than give up just one, because they were mine. I thought they defined me. But now I realize they're just baggage, holding me down, and I'd give them away in an instant. I'm just so tired of them. I'm just so tired of everything. So very tired. "Too much walkin' and my soul's worn thin" [Big Empty, STP], that's how it feels. Like my spirit's been walking for miles through the desert carrying my baggage. It's almost like it's physical now. Like when you're really tired how you close your eyes for a second and you start to slip away, that's how it feels. Except on a spiritual level. And there's so much further to go. And although I've lightened my load a little, I've still got quite a bit of luggage, as it were. You know what's really hilarious, in a 'laughing way too hard because you're really tired' kind of way? Stephanie could solve all this. She fills the part perfectly. It's like fate is just hitting me in the face with her and I'm not getting it. What I need is a really close friend. No romance anywhere invovled, just a really close friend who really cares about me that I can sit with and we can just talk about shit like this. And we used to sort of do that, but at the time it felt like she kept me at arm's length, I can't explain it properly, just because I'm bad at it, but it felt like we weren't that close, when I guess we were. I always felt that way, but I didn't think she did. I guess it took some hard times to prove to me that she is. It took me about three or so tries but if I wasn't so fucking stupid I would've just realized it the first time. Here, let me try and put this rationally: I always felt really close to her, she was my best friend. But it seemed to me that I was a friend of hers, a close friend, but not her best friend. Like she didn't care enough for me to hold that title. But now, after that perception caused me to try and back out, it has become apparent that she really does care. After my hurtful actions; the same type that she (I guess the word would be:) dropped Evan for, she still wants to be friends with me. Making it apparent that she really does care that much. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize it, and that I did those things in the first place. [Did you hear that 'popping' noise?*] Now I just have to take my new-found knowledge and put it to good use. Start hanging out with her as much as I used to. Start being as close as we were again. In retrospect though, like all painful experiences, I suppose all this crap I pulled was beneficial. See, even though I still love her, it's now more like a family member or, you know, best friend; rather than "in love" which could only go nowhere and cause extra complications. Man, I honestly had no idea that things would be looking up so much at the end when I started writing this entry. I'm amazed. I just hope that I haven't been too big of an asshole, gone too far; I wasn't doing it intentionally, but I still did it, and I hope I haven't done too much damage.

*-that was my head coming out of my ass, finally.

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