"H" 2002-08-26 - 3:39 a.m.

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3 entries. The magic number. The number I get when it's not just insomnia, when I have something else preying on my mind. The only problem is that this time I don't know how to say what I want. It's not that well formed in my head. So Robyn: I'm sorry, not for what I said, but that what I said hurt you. I'm sorry I mean anything to you. All I do is hurt people. I'm not meant to deal with others. No matter how often I see them or what, I never get better at interacting with them. I'm just bad at this, so my advice would be to run. No matter how good my intentions are, no matter how much I care for a person, I will hurt them. I will make things end badly, even though I don't want to. So if you want to come out of this with one less psychological scar, run now, and don't look back. Don't get me wrong, I love you, I'm glad you're in my life, you mean oh-so much to me; but I will end up hurting you. That's just the way I do things, I can't help it. What I said at the beginning of my entry last night was a small sample. Ask Stephanie, ask Alane, ask Steve, hell, you can probably ask Evan. I ruin things, that's the way it works. That's why I feel a 'personal connection' to Pushit; that last line: "Remember I will always love you, as I claw your fucking throat away; it will end no other way." describes every relationship I get involved in; past, present, and future; business, friendly, and romantic. I sure as hell don't do it by choice, but I do it nonetheless. So as much as I want you in my life, for your own mental health I'd say run. Shit. This didn't make me feel better at all. I'm sorry Robyn. I'm sorry Stephanie. I'm sorry everyone. I love you Robyn, remember I will always love you...