"Love Song pt. 1(Creep)" 2002-08-23 - 11:49 p.m.

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Today was fun. Hung out with my friends. Des is cool as hell, I hope she becomes a part of our group full time. She and Steph have one of those relationships though, where it's not gonna be a fling or a few months or something. It'll either dissolve in a week or last for years and years. I'd say I hope for the latter, but spending years of your life in a relationship that goes sour could really suck. So I'm going to say I wish happiness for both of them. Whatever that may entail. And if that involves them staying together happily for a long time, well then I'll have no complaints. Seeing the two of them together made me think of my own love-life though. And looking back it really is a gruesome topic. I guess the oldest thing I can remember was a girl named Sarah Fawcett in my second grade class. We were kind of friends, didn't really hang out too much. Then one day I remember we were doing the Mile Run for that national physical fitness test thing, and she came up to me and said she 'made a bad choice' and that I wasn't her type. I remember running backwards on the mile run to tell my friends about it. I hadn't even realized we were supposed to be dating. My memory's kind of shoddy, so I very well could've agreed to go out with her, but at the same time I remember the reason I went back to tell my friends was that I hadn't realized we were going out then. I'll admit that I find it humerous, and in no way painful, and it is obscenely mild compared to what was to come, but I guess it was an all-too-prophetic start for my dealings in the world of romance. Skip ahead to seventh grade. There was nothing in between. Her name was Debbie. I was in band, played Clarinet if you must know, and she sat next to me. We became sort of close, once again, we didn't hang out, but for that class we were bestest friends in the whole world. She wasn't allowed to date at the time, but wrote me a note saying she wanted to anyway. I don't think anything ever came of it, but either way I ended up dropping out of band, and I didn't really see her again until next year. I went to a school dance for some dumb reason, and we saw eachother and hung out. I remember my big pick up line was: "I'd ask you to dance, but I don't know how." After a while of hanging out, the last song of the night was a slow song(possibly "I don't want to miss a thing" by Aerosmith) and she found out that I was serious. These two jock kids from one of my classes came up and saw how badly I was doing, and tried to coach me. I felt horrible, but at the same time, I had warned her. Apparently by then she was allowed to date, because I asked her out and she said yes. I got stood up. I held that against her for a long time. Then for the next few months she and her friend(who never liked me) would come up and make fun of me before class in the morning. Thankfully they never commented on my dancing, and I didn't really let their individual comments get to me, but it was the thought that counted, and that hurt. Somewhere in there, either between or afterwords, I found out my sister's best friend had a crush on me. We went on one date, to see The Sixth Sense. I had no idea what to do and payed attention to the movie the whole time, I was so nervous I don't think I even turned to look at her once until it was over. I felt terrible. But the worst was yet to come. We were walking around the boardwalk afterwards; we were both shy as hell, so the conversation was nonexistent; and my friend's grandmother lived near by. To this day I cannot figure out why in the hell I took her there. It puzzles the crap out of me. I've managed to convince myself I just wanted to go in and use the phone, and go back to the boardwalk to wait for my parents(they gave us both a ride); but got hung up there for some reason. But either way, we wound up hanging out at my friend's grandmother's house. He was there, he was always there. I was too embarassed to actually talk, so the rest of the date consisted of me sitting quietly on the couch while she played with his pet rabbit. I've had a horrible phobia of dating ever since then. If I ever get a girlfriend I just want to hang out with her and be all romantic, I don't ever want to be put in a date situation, I can't take it. We went on a second date, but while it wasn't nearly as disasterous, it wasn't any fun either. Then the next few weeks consisted of me praying it wasn't her every time the phone rang, until finally we just broke up. Then around the end of my eigth grade year I had a crush on this one girl, she was a bit of a slut(in all seriousness), but nothing ever happened. Then my ninth grade year I spent the year with a crush on a girl named Lauren Cassele. And while me and the aforementioned girl had talked during the classes we'd had together and even flirted a bit, I never had the courage to talk to Lauren. At all. She was in my guitar class, and once I was one of two people in the class to get how to play bar chords, while everyone else struggled. So the teacher instructed me and the other student who got it to show some of the other kids who were really having trouble. Of course I was assigned to help her. Sometimes I think that that was my big chance, but of course I blew it. I could barely form words. I don't think I even showed her how to do the chord really. Anyway, then I moved. I spent 10th grade in California. A place I miss on a regular basis. Sure, I hated it at first, and I'm glad I moved, but if I had the chance to start over at that place, knowing everything I know now, except as if none of it ever happened, I would take it. That's where I met who I used to consider to be the love of my life. Her name was Jessica Cowart. I will never, ee-ee-eeeeeever forget her. As long as I live, I will always remember her. I have a sketch of her that I did from her yearbook picture on the first page of my first big sketchbook. I've since convinced myself that it would never work, that if we had dated things would've just ended badly, and that she's not the one for me; but sometimes when my mind wanders, I still have little daydreams of her showing up at school, and being surprised at how un-nerdy I've become, and so forth. But it all started the first day of school. I had my first two classes with her, and had a crush on her from the moment I first saw her. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. To this day I still find her beauty striking. If there's any White Zombie fans reading this, she looks kind of like Shawn Yseult(the bassist). And unlike Lauren, I actually had the courage to talk to her. We eventually ended up sitting together in English class(my 2nd period). We became friends. And I think what hurts the most is that she knew I liked her, but nothing ever came of it. As I said, I fell in love with her. And over time I guess it became apparent. I never outright said it, but I wasn't very good at hiding it. I have a vivid memory of this one time, where Amy(another girl we sat with) said: "I have a crush on somebody, but I won't say anything to him because he likes Jessica.". She meant me. I knew it(even though I acted like I didn't) and so did Jessica. When Amy said that, Jessica slammed her head on the table. She did one of those things where you let your neck go limp, and let your head fall forward. And the thought that her knowing I liked her caused her to do that hurts me. A lot. Either way, her family lived in Mexico(even though they weren't Mexican), and she was living with friends, and her friends' sister didn't like her. So she got Jessica busted for drugs, and thereby shipped back to Mexico. I had planned to confess my feelings to her when I said goodbye, even though I was sure she already knew, but she got sent back earlier than she was supposed to and I never even got to say goodbye. I can't even describe the pain I felt when I found out. I've never felt anything that bad, even at my grandmother's funeral. Nothing has ever hurt so bad. It was apparently so obvious that my art teacher noticed, and sat me down to talk to him about it. That actually made me feel better, but not completely. A few months later she came back for a day to see friends or something, and just by chance I saw her at lunch, and got to say goodbye, even though I didn't confess my feelings to her. That was the last time I ever saw her. The love of my life simply gave me a hug and walked away, and I never saw her or talked to her again. Sometimes when I play "Creep" by Radiohead, I imagine this whole little scenario in my head. Me and my band go back to California, to see what my old band's doing, and I find that Jessica's also back. We play a gig with a double bill of us and the Pandas, and Jessica's in attendance. And as we play our cover of "Creep", it's like one of those scenes in the movies where I'm singing to her and her alone, and noone else in the room matters. The first verse in particular is beyond accurate. I'll post the lyrics and then continue the story of my love life in another entry, because this one's long already.

"When you were here before

I couldn't look you in the eye,

you're just like an angel,

your skin makes me cry.

You float like a feather,

in a beautiful world,

I wish I were special,

you're so fucking special.

But I'm a creep,

I'm a weirdo

what the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here."

-Creep(excerpt)

Radiohead