"Love Song pt. 2(loser)" 2002-08-24 - 12:53 a.m.

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Picking up where we left off, I moved here. Arizona. After a few months school started, and on the very second day I met Jinx. Nothing ever happened, but I always put that under the "what if/alternate universe" file in my head. She became my best friend, and eventually we went to the Misfits concert together. She brought weed, but we had to stop to roll it on the way. I didn't know how, so we had to pull over and let her do it. I was really nervous, that was my first and only experience with drugs of any kind(except alcohol), and she kept asking me if I just wanted to wait and do it after the concert. But oh no, I wanted to try it, and I wanted to try it then. So she did it, and smuggled two joints in in her bra. We got in half way through the first opening band's set, and after that we waited for a half and hour for the roadies to set up, and so we assumed it was the Misfits. So we lit up, and it turned out to be the second opening band. I got in all of two puffs before security tapped us on the shoulder, and we were escorted out. I was kicked out before I even got to see my favorite band play. I can't describe how angry I was. Things between the two of us have never really been the same. Over time we got close again, but things aren't the way they were back before that happened. The reason I'm typing this in the 'story of my love life', is because a lot of time I wonder: what would've happened had we not been kicked out? Where would things have gone if that had never happened between us? Sometimes I wonder, but I'm never overly concerned. Anyway, moving right along, then came my first real girlfriend. Alane Nunez. She was a senior(I was a junior, for those of you not paying attention.) There was a fire drill, and she started talking to me, and I figured 'meh, I'll probably never see her again'(a fact I wasn't overly broken up about either), but lo-and-behold, after class she meets me outside and gives me her phone number. That night we got together, and I figured we could watch Evil Dead. I was so nervous I acted like an usher at a theater or something. "Come in, sit here, all ready? Good. Now here's the movie, let's sit and be quiet and enjoy the show." About five minutes in I felt so bad I shut it off and we just talked. I acted like a total tool, and played my bass for her("hey, wanna see me play my bass?" completely out of nowhere), and then after a while things turned to our romantic experiences, and I distinctly remember, I said: "No one ever flirts with me." And she said: "What do you think I'm doing now?" And we started going out. We never dated(a fact I'm proud of) but we made out and kissed(but never went "all the way") and all that, and I introduced her as: "my girlfriend". And I'm sure she said I was her boyfriend to her friends and family. It was funny, her family hated me. She was all preppy, and they were upper-class types, and she'd tell me how they called me "That kid with the skull shirt". I was so proud. Things were great for a while, and to my credit I think I actually did a good job. But after a while I started to realize we didn't really have anything in common, and I started to pray it wasn't her every time the phone rang(she would call every day right when Simpsons was on, that bugged the hell out of me, because we'd always spend at least an hour on the phone; it was like talking to my grandpa[which, by the way, my whole family dreads talking to]). Then one day we went to see Shallow Hal, and I realized dating her had become more of a job, something I had to do rather than wanted to, so I dumped her a few days later. We still talked for a few weeks, just as friends. But eventually that dried up. Once she half confessed to me that even though she didn't sound all too broken up when I dumped her, she really had been; and she said it with such seriousness that I know she was REALLY broken up over it. And while I'm not proud of hurting her, I do carry some pride in that I was a good enough boyfriend that she was really sad not to have me. Anyway, moving on would be the most recent open wound on my love-life. Patty. From art class. She's funny, and cool, but to this day I'm not sure if I actually had *strong* feelings for her or if I just thought we'd go so well together she'd be the best person for me. I actually had the courage to tell her, and we went on a date to Funtastic. I got so very nervous about it that I made myself kind of detached the whole date. We double-dated with these other girls, and it was like the three of them were hanging out and I was following them around. The thing I remember most from that was the infamous(to me) line: "What do you like to do for fun?". I was really 'not all there', so I made up some bullshit excuse to not really say anything, and that pretty much sums up the whole date. Every time I think of that I always scream at myself(in my head): "Play bass! Play video games! Watch horror movies! Say something!!!" By the time it was over I already realized that I was being a jackass the whole time, so the next day I left her a voice-mail on her cell-phone where I couldn't say anything right and tried to tell her I wasn't always like that, and pretty much begged for a second chance. I remember telling Stephanie about that and she was like "aww, how cute", but apparently Patty didn't think so. Monday at school she said we 'should just be friends' and I wrote her a note once again begging her for a second chance. The next class period she took me out into the hallway and said the most infamous line of my life: "I don't feel the same way about you." I pretended it didn't bother me, said I was used to getting shot down, and we hugged and went back to class; but it really did bother me; a lot. To this day I feel terrible about it. Every time I see her in art class now I think: "So, what do you like to do for fun?" And I mentally kick myself in the nuts. Then there was Lindsay. She was in my History class last year, and I got kind of a crush on her. One day while I was walking home I saw her sitting in front of the office, and so I figured 'fuck it' and sat down next to her. And once again I have an oh-so-vivid memory of our exchange: Me:"So, who are you waiting for?" Lindsay:"My boyfriend." Then I laughed. I laughed so hard it was more than obvious that my intentions were to hit on her. After that I made a bit of small talk and excused myself, and the whole walk home I thought of how funny that had been, and how my life is way too funny. If you can't tell from the computer; by funny I mean ironically painful. Then I guess my big finish would have to be Cody. Cody is still the sexiest guy I've ever seen. The reason I realized I was bi was that I was having fantasies about him. The only reason we're not fucking like rabbits right now is that I want a relationship, just not with him. Either way, things all started one day after school; me and Sarah and Misty were talking. And The conversation turned to other people touching you, then to other people touching your genitalia, and I said that no one had ever touched mine. Of course neither of them wanted to do it, but they were like: "Cody will do it, Hey cody! Come here!". Now I didn't want to be felt up, but at the same time, I found him incredibly sexy, so I didn't say no, and now Cody holds the title of the only person ever to have touched my penis. Then he started talking about how he wanted someone to make out with him because he thought his tongue was numb and he wanted to see if he could still feel it. So I volunteered, and we made out, and I enjoyed it. Then the next day he gave me a note saying he wanted to... not really date, but just have sex. Of course at the time I knew everything I said above(relationship, just not with him) so I declined. This was at the time around the date with Patty, before she actually said "I don't feel the same way", so I told Cody I was sort-of dating someone else, but if I wasn't, then I would love to have sex. Of course when Patty told me her big line, I opted not to let Cody know. Nothing happened for a while, but then he started flirting with me a lot, and sometimes we'd kiss/make out. And it was like, 'hey, the sexiest guy I know thinks I'm sexy too, woo-hoo!', but at the same time it made me really uncomfortable because, well, you know. So after a while I got the courage to tell him so. And I remember(once again) vividly, me saying "it's nothing personal, I just don't want to date you". While at the same time screaming at myself in my head: "'nothing personal'? It doesn't get more personal than that you asshole!" Then he stopped, but recently he called me and told me he still had feelings for me, but I discussed that in detail in a previous entry. Either way, Cody's cool, and mind-numbingly sexy, but we're just too different to date, he's "not my type" as it were, and a relationship is what I'm looking for. But as I always used to tell Cody: If I ever change my mind, he'll be the first person I call for casual sex. But either way that's pretty much it, my long and painful history with romance. On a sarcastic note: I can't wait to see who my next horror story will be; but on a serious note: I hope next time it works out.

Soy un per de dor

I'm a loser baby,

so why don't you kill me?

-Loser(excerpt)

Beck

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