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"Reflection" 2002-08-22 - 11:54 p.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I feel weird. Just kind of disconnected. I'm looking at today really detachedly. Yeah, it's a word, trust me. This morning sucked. Mornings always suck. I'm not a morning person in any sense of the word. And nothing's more unattractive than me brushing my teeth really early in the morning. As far as my appearance goes I don't hate how I look anymore, and in some ways I'm even kind of confident, even if I don't think I'm good looking. But I honestly think that if someone saw me brushing my teeth they would scream or... something. Then came school. No big deal. Then I got a ride home with Evan. We stopped and ate with Danielle and her friend, or rather, the three of them ate while I waited to be driven home. I'm constantly impressed by the music Evan has in his car. He played the Meat Puppets today, God they're awesome. Anyway, that was groovy, until I got home, then the day started to suck. I went to the arcade, for the sole reason that I hadn't shot anyone in a long time. I did well at Time Crisis 2 for not having played it in so long. Don't get me wrong, I'm probably the best person ever to play that particular arcade machine of that game, but I didn't live up to my own standards. For the first stage I did awesome, but after that I started to slip. I almost beat the game on one life(a goal of mine) but during the final boss I got hit. Oh well, I didn't get hit at all on my second life, so I still probably kicked ass, but it wasn't good enough for me. The only other game I played worth mentioning was Silent Scope; where for the first time ever I missed the final shot. The first time ever. That pissed me off to no extent. Then I got home and sat in my room 'til dinner, which, being steak, should've been great, but my parents ruined it for me, which accounts for that last entry. Then I sat around being REALLY pissed off for about 5 hours. I've been trying to download Lake of Fire by the Meat Puppets for about 9 hours now. It's still not working. Anyway, I finally beat Blood Omen. I've beaten every installment of that series(Legacy of Kain) except the original up until tonight. I was so proud. It only took me about five years. Then I read Steph and Robyn's diarys. Robyn said she had a dream where she was in a 'retard class' and hung out with me a lot. I'm not sure but I think she meant hung out with me in the retard class, which amuses me to no end(I'm laughing with you Robyn). There was more(including some leftover trauma from the 'earlier acts of assholery' that I'm always talking about[which I still haven't forgiven myself for]) but that part stuck out most in my mind. Steph said there's only two people she feels comfortable around anymore, and I'm more than sure I'm not one of them. That makes me angry at myself more than anything else. Then I sat down and wrote this entry, outlining my day because I wish to reflect on it. And thinking of the weekend to come. Tomorrow I'm going to go buy The Vines CD. Saturday I'm going to go apply for a few jobs. And hopefully somewhere in there I plan to hang out with people. Robyn definitely, maybe Evan, hopefully Stephanie. It remains to be seen. I'll probably end up sitting in my room all weekend again. I feel like the Strokes song: Is This It. I'll put the lyrics, but the sound is at least as big a part of it, which I can't duplicate on here. And I'm wondering, IS this it? Is my whole life going to be like this? Just some painful in-between with a big pile of problems stacked up in a corner and a little bit of joy hidden away somewhere? Now I feel like the guy from the Sober video, looking around that building for the joy, but I just can't seem to find it. It's there, but where the hell did I leave it? Can't you see I'm trying? I don't even like it. I just lied to Get to your apartment, now I'm staying Here just for a while I can't think 'cause I'm just way too tired Is this it? Is this it? Is this... it? Said they'd give you anything you ever wanted When they lied, I knew it was just stable children Trying hard not to realize I was sitting right behind them Oh dear, can't you see? It's them it's not me We're not enemies; We just disagree If I was like them all pissed in this bar He changes his mind, says I went too far We all disagree I think we should disagree, yeah Is this it Is this it Is this it Can't you see I'm trying? I don't even like it. I just lied to Get to your apartment, now I'm staying Here just for a while I can't think 'cause I'm just way too tired -Is This It The Strokes � � |