"Pretty Noose" 2002-08-20 - 3:19 a.m.

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The worst thing about insomnia is that you have plenty of time to think. And when your life sucks what you think about tends to not make you happy. I've been wasting my time trying to find good points in my life. I could only find two things that I couldn't negate: 1) No matter how bad I have it, there are people out there who have it worse than me. - The old standby. This always kind of bothered me. Mainly because I've always been in the middle. I've always had just enough so that whatever point in my life I'm complaining about isn't ALL bad. Like I can't say: "noone's ever loved me" or "I've never had a girlfriend", but what I have had in those areas is almost not worth counting. Like how my family's never been really poor, we have it so that we're not "ghetto" or "white trash", but we're not your typical sub-urban family either. We're a little too well-off to be considered poor, but we're far and away from being well-off. So yeah, there's a lot of people out there who have it worse than me, but there's at least as many who have it better. And finally: 2) Robyn. - The one thing keeping me from saying my life sucks right now. It's weird, I've been thinking for hours and there's no accurate analogy I could come up with for this situation. I really do appreciate the fact that she's here for me, and that we still hang out and all that. I'm so very thankful for that fact, but at the same time it's like "not enough". The main thing bothering me is that saying it's "not enough" doesn't do justice to how much it means to me to have Robyn; but at the same time there's so much more I don't have. Aaaah, one's struck me: For the part of the puzzle she fits into, she fills the part perfectly; but at the same time, the puzzle still isn't whole.

**Warning****

Below this line I'm going to get out a little venting

*********

Stephanie. This is exactly what I was telling you to fight back in the day when you got all defensive. This being depressed when things are good. I more than understand for you to be depressed when things are bad, but when you've got so much good, you shouldn't be depressed. I repeat: this is exactly what I was telling you to fight before. And don't tell me you are fighting it. Hell, I beat it, and you've proven yourself to be stronger than me at every turn. But you've got so many good things you should appreciate: You've got a car, you don't have to get a job, you don't have to worry about going out into the world for another couple of years, you've got a girlfriend, you still talk to most of your friends, and I don't know what you consider the funnest thing in the world to be; but I bet you can still do it. Not me. I don't have any of that. I have no car, I just borrow my dad's sometimes(a fact he won't let me forget); I NEED a job. NEED, in big fucking capitol letters. I have to start planning my future NOW. It's literally months away. I'm single, right at my bloody "sexual peak" as well, which even though that's a minor thing to me now; I KNOW I'm going to regret later in my life. I used to have a whole clique of friends for the first time in my life, now I'm down to really just one[see above]. And what I consider to be the funnest thing in the world: playing in a band; I can't do. So I understand that you're depressed, but at the same time I know that you shouldn't be, and that you wouldn't be if you'd just do something about it.

***Venting over****

Shit. It's not like she reads this anymore anyway. Fuck. I'm going to go try futilely for sleep.