"Something I Can Never Have" 2002-08-11 - 4:59 a.m.

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I just want something I can never have. I'm so terribly lonely. And I'm not talking about just friendship, 'I need someone to talk to' type loneliness. I need love. Not want, need. I want what my parents have. They're each-other's best friend, they get along great. After 20 years of marriage they still love eachother more than anything else, the spark has never left their relationship. After they fight(which I've only seen happen maybe 3 times max in my damn near 18 years of living with them) 10 minutes later they're rushing to make up with eachother. This has instilled such a high standard for relationships with me. That's why despite what I was saying an entry or so ago, I know a relationship with me and Jill would never work. That's why I know a relationship between me and Cody would never work. That's why the relationship between me and Alane hadn't worked. We're just so different. I know my standards are freakishly high, but not unrealistically so. I've found people that would've fit them before. Maybe just two, but it's enough to keep me hoping. The first was Steve, who was in and out of my life before I had the first inkling I was into guys. The second was Stephanie, a lesbian who probably wouldn't be interested in me even if I was a girl. But it just seems like no matter what, I can never have love. It's all I really want in the world and I can never have it. I don't even really come close. At it's closest it's still just out of my reach, I look for it every day, but never find it. And at night I sit and I hurt, and I wish so bad that one day I'll go to Casa Video, and there'll be a girl there sitting in the bad horror movie section, reading all the backs of the boxes and loving them as much as I do. And in an unusual break of character I'll actually talk to her, and we'll hit it off and she'll live somewhat near me, and we'll start hanging out and then one day things will get romantic, and then someday we'll get married, and we'll grow old together, and then one day we'll be buried next to eachother. And then we'll be together in the afterlife, wherever or whatever that is. But as soon as I finish the little fantasy I know it will never happen. Nothing ever works out perfectly, but I have hope that someday, I'll meet someone I connect with really well, and they'll be into me just as much, and maybe I'll finally have what I want. But right now I don't, and it hurts so much.

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