"Far Behind" 2002-08-10 - 4:43 a.m.

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well, in non-me news, Stephanie has a girlfriend, which is super-groovie. I really wish I talked to her as much as I used to. I just have to stop being such a lazy shit and call her or log onto IM or something. I really miss her, and seeing her everyday at school is just a reminder of how much of a bastard I am. Now I'm pissed at myself, goddamnit, this wasn't how this entry was supposed to start. Ah well, *appluads for Steph* I promise I will at least call her sunday, at the very very least. But in me related news, I guess this is the deeper entry of the night(oh man does that sound like a good porno movie title); I guess romance is in the air, because this is where I admit I have a crush on Jill. I've had one for a while. It's kind of funny, when we used to hang out all the time she used to flirt with me constantly, and I wasn't really interested at the time, but as time wore on I started to like her, but we started hanging out less, and the two both proceeded until we stopped hanging out. Then I had my own problems for a long while and this got put on the back burner, but now it's back. And I just have to be even more pissed at myself that I didn't just fucking realize it when she was flirting with me all the time. But of course it's not simple, nothing's simple with me. I have to wonder: do I legitimately have feelings for her, or is this just my attention-starved psyche reaching out to the person who seemed most interested in me? Do I really want a relationship with her, or are my hormones(which are getting harder and harder to repress) just drawing me to someone I find amazingly attractive? And of course I can't just find out somehow, I consider going out a commitment, as I may or may not have explained in here before; I want a relationship, and I only want a relationship with someone I'm in love with, so I want to be sure I'm in love with her before I just ask her out. Because when I commit I commit, and I don't want to commit only to find out it's not going to work. Of course I have no way to gauge wether or not it's going to work, because on the rare occasions I see her all these thoughts make me get really shy, and so we don't really interact that well simply because I'm not interacting. My mind goes blank, I can't think of anything to say, I get really quiet, all that. Dah, this is way too confusing. I wish I could just talk to her, start hanging out with her again, actually speak when I see her. I wish things could just be fucking simple for a change. But I know that's impossible, not a damn thing is simple for me. I don't know, I suppose this wouldn't be that bad if my one and only experience with a girlfriend had gone horribly simply because I didn't get to know her first. I met her at school and she gave me her number, and by that night we, I don't know, "agreed to go out" I guess you'd say(and I'm still a virgin for those of you with dirty minds, I'm not proud of it I just don't want anyone getting the wrong idea.). Either way after a few weeks of dating I realized we had nothing in common at all. Dating her became like a job, something I HAD to do rather than wanted to, so I dumped her. I figured it was better for both of us. The point of this little tangent is that I have very little experience in this area, and all of it bad. So excuse me if I'm not ready to rush into it again, especially if I'm not even sure if that's what I want to do. I guess, ironically enough, that what I don't understand the most about myself is that I don't understand myself. It would be different if I was sure I wanted to date her, but I'm not, so this is doubly-complicated. I haven't even started on the issue of wether she wants to date me or not(which when I get to it I will have no confidence for). As Robyn would say *le sigh*. This is way WAY too complicated. Ah well, good luck with your girlfriend Steph, talk to you soon hopefully, and you too Robyn, and who knows, maybe hell will freeze over and I'll talk to Jill soon too.

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