"Saturday Night pt. 3" 2002-08-04 - 3:45 a.m.

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Goddamnit. I didn't want to write an entry tonight. I didn't want to write two, and I sure as hell didn't want to write three. Fucking goddamnit. And I sure as fucking hell didn't want to talk about my feelings. First I just wanted to leave it with Saturday Night, and let everyone bask in the glory of the Misfits foray into the doo-wop genre. Then I just HAD to say SOMETHING about how bloody lonely I was/am, and typed up Paint it Black to fill up the space. I wish I could've left it at that. Everyone go back and read Paint it Black now. Fuck. I hate this. I knew everything would start again once I started hanging out with others. Of course in truth I wasn't even hanging out with them when it started. I just started getting angry and sick of everything reading their diarys, and lo-and-behold, I'm suddenly back to being two different people. Oh well, at least I don't hate myself anymore. I just hate everyone else. It's hilarious, whenever I'm one person I hate being the other. But I digress. None of this is what I was thinking about when I decided to write this. And no, for once it wasn't Stephanie. That actually is quite new now that I think about it... But I digress. Shit, I'm just so sick of knowing that whatever I say, if it can be related to someone else, it will hurt them. If I mention something about Stephanie, it hurts Stephanie, if I mention Evan, it hurts Evan, if I mention Robyn, well, you get the picture. Of course I'm no different. And in the back of my mind that's probably what gets me pissed the most. Robyn may have mentioned me in her diary, or I took something she said as maybe applying to me, and now I'm all emotional, having to write in here AGAIN instead of just leaving Paint it Black up. *sigh* and I don't even know what to say. Everytime I form one opinion it conflicts with another one I have. Whenever I think of something to say, I have to analyze it in my head and make sure it's exactly how I want to say it, but it never (ee-ee-eeeeever)is. But I just know, that whatever I say won't change anything. I could tell Robyn or Steph that they're amazing people until (insert exagerated consequence here), and they'd still hate themselves. *sigh* but I just never know when to quit when it comes to this kind of thing. I fear I may have creeped out Robyn the other night on the ride home, but the truth is that the movie left me in quite a psychopathic mood, and yeah, I don't know what that means but I was 'off' that night. But Robyn: I enjoy hanging around with you, you're hilarious and fun to be around. As long as I live near you I want to hang out with you. And I really mean that. And I just deleted a few paragraphs of stuff about how sad I was, and I how I wished I was Raven for a change, because I'd rather be angry than sad, well it worked. And I don't want to read myself bitch about how fucking sad I am. The truth is: I care very much for Robyn. I don't want to go too far with this and make it sound creepy, but it just makes me sad to see her in pain. Shit. I hate talking about my feelings, it always comes out wrong. And I don't want to fucking bitch about 'why are things the way they are?' anymore. They are the fucking way they are. I can't- well you know what? I fucking can change things. Everybody can. And even if I can't make them realize it, even if I can't help others, I can help myself. I can change myself, my life, I can control the things that revolve around me. It's just a matter of wanting to. And my problem is: as Brett I'm too weak, and as Raven I just plain don't fucking care enough. Shit. In a year I'm gone. Maybe in whatever film school or whatever kind of college or trailer park I go to I can do things better, start off right. Instead of just digging the same old grave for myself. Maybe in the next place I'll make a bed instead, and when I lie in it I'll have a sweet dream. Quoth the Raven -Nevermore.

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