"What About Me?" 2002-08-03 - 4:29 a.m.

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I never enjoyed being sad until I created Raven. I hated being angry until I became Raven.

From now on when I refer to 'Raven' in here, I'm talking about me/my other personality. I'll make special mention if I'm talking about the wrestler.

I was thinking today. About Raven. There's a movie called "Primal Fear", I never saw it myself, but it stars Richard Gere and Edward Norton. Richard Gere plays a lawyer defending Edward Norton's character, who's accused of murdering someone. Norton's character actually killed the guy, and tries to get out of it with an insanity plea, saying it was the fault of a malicious alternate personality(we'll say named 'Frank', as opposed to himself, who is named 'Jack' I believe). In the end(my friend told me) I think he's acquitted, and upon being escorted away from Gere's character for the last time he says something really evil sounding, and Gere's character asks "There never was a Frank, was there?" to which Jack replies: "You don't get it do you? There never was a Jack.". And for as long as that took me, I feel it's an apt example for my current situation. Raven makes all the decisions, in the end it's Raven who's reacting to situations and forming opinions and feelings based on them. Brett just acts on them. And I'm starting to wonder, am I Brett, who created Raven, only to have him take control of himself; or am I Raven, who created Brett to be able to function as a regular member of society and act as a front to my family, and deluded himself into thinking he was Brett? I'm not sure. In the end I guess neither one created the other, they're equal parts of the same being, seperated long ago by something. Trauma, lonliness, some repressed memory I'm hiding from myself maybe. Somehow I doubt happy circumstances led me to split into good and evil versions of myself living in my body. Back after I first saw Fight Club, before I named 'evil me' Raven; I often wondered how long it would be before I started seeing him as someone else, before he took on a life of his own outside of me. I've already been seeing him as someone else inside my head for a long time, God knows I'm like a different person when I am him. Gee, and now I have insomnia. If anyone sees me dressed in all black with my hair braided like the wrestler Raven running around after dark, please inform me the next day. Maybe I should join a bunch of fucking support groups. Quoth the Raven -Nevermore.

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