"Precious Illusions" 2002-08-02 - 4:53 a.m.

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I've been deluding myself. I haven't changed as much as I thought I had. I thought I had evolved, completely reformed myself. Not true, I've simply metamorphosed into a new facet of the old me. Don't get me wrong, I've changed more than I ever have before, but there's still some things that are hopelessly the same. I thought I had become whole, finally merged my two sides into one self. Wrong. They're still there, but they're different. Now instead of happy and sad, I've got normal and angry. I'm aware that sounds very simple, and it sounds like the change would occur when I get angry at something, like an evil Incredible Hulk. No, it's like two seperate personalities, and the change is random. I can be angry while I'm my normal self, and not switch, but sometimes I become a different person, someone very angry and bitter. I'm sure none of you are making the connection I am, but that's ok; I'll explain it to you. But first you must realize I didn't try for this, I'm not doing this to be like him. See, when the other side of me was still depressed, I named "him" Raven. Like the wrestler. Because when I was 'him' I was so much like the wrestler, and was such a fan of the wrestler, that it amused me to do so. I can't really describe it real well, and don't care to(see last entry) but trust me. But recently, Raven has changed his character. He's gone from grunge and self-loathing to goth and bitter. He no longer hates himself, but rather hates everyone else. He despises his situation and life, and everyone else that's around him. And sure enough the "Raven" in me has become the same way. I thought I was whole, I didn't try and become like the wrestler, but now I still have those switches, and my other personality is living up to his namesake. I just get really angry, bitter about the way things are, the circumstances making them that way. Now I know I'm not doing this to be like the wrestler, and quite frankly at the moment I don't care what you think. I just think it's ironic that a part of me I named after someone has followed the path of that someone so closely. Yeah, this is rather shallow, and I have much more on my mind. But as for deeper stuff see the last entry. Inkeeping with my recent behavior of betraying myself and breaking oaths I've made, I feel it's only apropriate that I end this with: This is not for you, this is for me, this is here because it amuses me, not to explain to anyone else. And while I still enjoy the friendships I've made, the trials, tribulations, and feelings of others no longer mean what they once did to me. Suffer, rejoice, do what you want, it matters not to me. Quoth the Raven -Nevermore.