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"Pushit" 2002-07-30 - 10:19 p.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj oh man what a day. And oh so much to discuss. I guess I should start at last night, see I was getting really pissed off every night after reading everybody's diaries. I'm not going to go into details but I was, and I hate being angry, and that's how I was. So last night I listened to Salival by Tool, and the song Pushit that I love is on there. Now that song has an intro Maynard says that goes like this: "We've been trying something a little different this tour. We've been looking at one of our songs from a different angle, under a different light, so we can hopefully kind of see it almost for the first time. We'd like try that for you tonight, is that okay? We're gonna need your help though. We're gonna need your help and your permission, so WE NEED YOU TO FIND A COMFORTABLE SPACE, THAT IS NOT ONLY COMFORTABLE, BUT VULNERABLE. I WANT YOU TO SHUT YOUR EYES AND GO THERE, AND WE'LL MEET YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE..." He doesn't yell that last part, that's just the important part of the intro. Anyway, the point is I always do that, I shut off my lava lamp and make myself as comfortable as possible, then, I don't know, I can't describe it, but basically I do what he says. The Salival version of Pushit is amazingly beautiful on it's own, and I've always felt really personally connected to that song, but those things combined with that state of mind make for a really amazing experience. It always kind of 'refreshes' me in a way. And listening to it last night was the most profound experience I've ever had. I broke into tears at it's beauty. And it brought me back to a state of mind I really like to be in. Words can never do justice to the true amazingness of what I experienced last night. It was like for a moment I touched a higher plane of being. But anyway, that was last night, my day hadn't even started yet. So today, I woke up and called Robyn right away, then after a bit I went and picked her up and we went to register for school. Hanging out with her was great, I couldn't figure out why I'd ever stopped in the first place. Well, I knew, but the reasons seemed even more stupid. Anyway, then we saw Cody and Stephanie, and Stephanie hugged me and Robyn. Now last night Steph wrote a diary entry that sounded quite pissed and directed at me(amongst others), so I was really shocked when she came up and hugged me and acted all nice. Between my insomniatic haze and the shock I really didn't manage to talk much. Either way I guess she's not pissed at me anymore. But then after registration(which we didn't finish, by the way), I went home and my day became a blur of boredom and attempted naps(unsuccessfully I might add), until about 7:30. Then Cody and two other people I won't name called me, and they were stoned. They said only one of them was stoned, Cody was a little drunk, and one was sober; but they all sounded stoned to me. Either way Cody confessed that upon seeing me today he'd realized he still has feelings for me. Before he just wanted to have sex with me, and of course I want a relationship, and told him so. So that didn't go anywhere. But now he called me and told me that he wants to date, that he wants a relationship too. This is where it gets complicated. See, I find Cody amazingly sexy, and he has this cute giggle thing he does, and he's a cool guy, but I don't really want to date him. He's just not my type. I could go into more detail but this entry is kinda long already and will be a bit longer before I'm done so I'll just leave it at that. Anyway, I said I'd think about it and after some hilarious conversation they hung up. But anyway, I knew I wasn't going to date Cody from the beginning, I knew it from back when he just wanted sex. I just had to figure out how to tell him, he's a sweet guy, I don't want to hurt him. But yeah, so I spent about 3 hours worrying, and figured I had a whole night of it ahead of me, but then he called me back as I was typing this. So yeah, I managed to work up the courage to tell him I didn't want to date him and he wasn't my type. He took it well, we talked for a little bit after that, but he could be crying now, so I don't know. Anyway, this has been a wierd day, but I've had wierder. So yeah, I'll wrap this up and leave you with the Salival version lyrics of Pushit. Saw that gap again today. While you were begging me to stay. Take care not to make me enter. If I do we both may disappear. Saw that gap again today. While you were begging me to stay Managed to push myself away And you as well, my dear And you, as well Pushed you away my dear I will choke until I swallow Choke this infant here before me What are you but my reflection? Who am I to judge or strike you down? But you're pushing me And Im shoving you And your pushing me And Im shoving you Rest your trigger on my finger, Bang my head upon the fault line You better take care not to make me enter If I do we both may disappear But you're pushing me And Im shoving you And your pushing me And Im shoving you You still love me We're pushing and were shoving And you're pushing and I'm shoving You still love me And were pushing and were shoving And I'm pushing as your shoving And Im slipping back into the gap again I feel alive when you touch me... I feel alive when you hold me... ...down Slipping back into you I am somewhere I dont wanna be, yeah Put me somewhere I dont wanna be Push me somewhere I dont wanna be Seeing someplace I don't wanna see Never wanna see that place again... Saw that gap again today While you were begging me to stay Managed to push myself away, And you as well, my dear If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay, You minimize my movement anyway, I must persuade you another way Pushing and Shoving and Pushing and Shoving and Pushing me There's no love in fear. Staring down the hole again. Hands are on my back again. Survival is my only friend. Terrified of what may come. Remember I will always love you, As I claw your fucking throat away. It will end no other way. -Pushit (Salival version) Tool � � |