"Parabola" 2002-07-29 - 2:46 a.m.

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I've been reading 'Jeanisdead''s diary, I haven't finished it all yet but I will, i still have three hours to go before I can fall asleep(stupid insomnia). But yeah, 'surprise!' she's depressed too! Man, this is getting weird now. It's like, I used to know normal people, but I haven't seen one in a long time, do they even exist anymore? That probably makes me sound like an asshole, but I've spent so much of my life being depressed myself, and I'm just surrounded by more depressed people, it was like I was drowning when I was alone, then it was like people were dunking me under. But now I'm dead, and the water doesn't matter. But I think the most unique thing about this all is that as I read their diary's, I notice that it's like reading my own, like that metaphore I made last night about the same plot on different shows, and I'm one of those damn shows. Or was, rather, I suppose I've beaten my depression, or the clinical side of it anyway, the brain-chemical part, like I don't have that point of view in my mind, but I'm falling back into old behaviors and points of view I used to have. And I hate myself for it, which is really more like the old me than anything else. Ah well, I'll shake it off, eventually I'll find my Opiate, then I'll be back in the saddle again(score, Aerosmith quote, I'm really amused by this, far more than I should be...). But ANYWAY, the point was that thoughts I had, that I thought were unique, that I thought were mine, were unique to my situation, are just a symptom of depression. All of these people are having these same thoughts, they may phrase it differently, or use different examples from their personal lives and tastes, but it's the same thought. I had them, they have them, other people I don't know about probably have them. It just adds a whole new level of disdain for depression for me. It's like, yeah, ruining my life was bad enough, but making me think I'm so fucking unique in my disfunction when I'm really no different than any of the other statistics out there(no offense to anyone personally) suffering from the same bloody disorder is just adding insult to injury. But ah well, that's not me anymore, and if I have to start working to keep it that way, I will. So in other news: The callouses on my fingers are sore, which bothers me because it's not like I was playing that hard tonight. It might be because I've been focusing a bit more on guitar lately(I learned most of Sober, I'm so proud), but still, I've gone much longer without practicing bass and they didn't get sore. And it's not like it's just ones I'd need to play one of the instruments either, a finger on my left hand is sore, which I have to use for both; and my thumb is sore, I only play like, two songs slap, but it's sore. My plucking fingers are fine. It's quite annoying. But ah well, it's not like I have a BAND OR ANYTHING that I would need to be able to play for. Anyway, that was quite shallow, especially after the top, but I'm trying to take my mind off that.

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