"The Beautiful Dead" 2002-07-12 - 2:37 a.m.

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everything's confusing right now. I would say more than usual but sadly this has become usual. I'm going through some pretty heavy stuff in my life lately, and this is the first time I've ever had people close to me well, at all. Just hours ago what I was saying to Stephanie seemed so right, but now it seems like I was really overreacting over stupid things. But something's telling me that's not right either. I just don't know anymore. I just know for a few hours I was perfect, cold and emotionless, truly peaceful. Damn that had been great. But now it's gone. And now Stephanie's taking that one entry where I was venting seriously. I put a disclaimer at the top. Shit, I could explain it, but I don't think I want to. You know what? My emotions are starting to ebb again, the only draw back is it's starting to make me happy, thereby giving me an emotion, so I'm really shooting myself in the foot. What I need is a few days of hardcore meditating, but sadly I don't have the attention span for that, so I'll take it as it comes. Hopefully I'll be back on track for the Tool concert in a week. All I know at the moment is: 1) I still love Stephanie more than ever. 2) I don't trust myself to be in a relationship with her right now. Simply because of how I've been handling things lately. 3) I need some type of affection, not one damn person my whole life has given me support, or shown affection, and I'd really like that. So Steph, I'd like to change my selfish request if you don't mind. Instead of telling you to fight your depression my way, I'd like you to be a little more vocal about your caring. Whenever I get myself in order. 4) I still haven't gotten a response from Evan, but I'm prepared for yes or no, so I'm just waiting. 5) The Royal Tenenbaums is a fantastic movie, sadly it will only get stuck under the 'etc.' file in my profile, but I urge everyone to see it, it's amazing. 6) And I'm the only one who... I don't know. 7) I need to take this stupid nail polish off. 8) I'm naming random things because I stopped thinking straight probably when Evan first left. 9) If I could be cold all the time, I could go back to seeing Stephanie tomorrow, but as long as these fucking emotions stick around I'll need time. 10) Stop staring at me. I believe it's quite obvious that I've gone somewhat insane by now. But I no longer care. So I'm going to try my damndest to get myself back in order, and as soon as I do go beg forgiveness from Stephanie. Because 11) I still want to be her friend, and all that, I'm just not here at the moment.

"You are an inspiration to me.

You are my inspiration of how not to be.

You are my inspiration to acchieve a better way of life."

-Killing Joke

The Beautiful Dead