"I Believe in Miracles" 2002-07-11 - 1:45 p.m.

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well shit. I failed miserably on both sides. Great way to wake up in the morning, eh? I haven't even had coffee yet. Evan says he wants to rejoin, but won't because 'the same thing will happen again'. I don't even know what 'same thing' that is, so I don't know. And I hate trying to beg him and argue with him because if he really wants to leave then that's his choice. And with Stephanie I don't think she's actually reading my e-mails. I think she's skimming over them or something. Either way she's coming up with stuff that I've been trying hard to tell her I don't mean, I've actually outright said it a few times, and she still thinks I mean that. I've said twice: I don't want you to be happy all the time, I just want you to cure a disease you have(referring to depression). She responds with: If you want me to be happy all the time I can't, that's just not how people are(or something to that effect). I just want to scream "Are you even reading these things!!?" Fuck, I know she'll read this, I even know she'll be the only one who'll read this. So Stephanie, read this slowly: I'm not saying depression is a disease figuratively, or because that's what I think about it. I'm saying it because it's an actual clinical disease, that they make medications for. And I'm not referring to 'being sad' and I'm not referring to just lately, what I'm referring to is a clinical condition called depression that you suffer from. I suffer from it too, but I'm trying my damndest to fight it. Fuck. I guess my miracles were just duds. Even if I did manage to say what I meant clearly, they weren't taken that way. And I don't think I have a third miracle in me.

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