"Sweet Emotions" 2002-07-11 - 3:22 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

well fuck. My emotions are coming back. I hate them. It was so wonderful being that cold, that unfeeling. I'll admit I was scared at first, but in the end it was really peaceful. I wish I could be like that all the time. If anyone knows any drugs that would do that, please tell me. I'm not looking for a high or an altering of perception, I just want my emotions vanquished. It was really great. Anyway, Stephanie was the only one who e-mailed me after my last entry, so thanks all you bastards that aren't her. And speaking of Stephanie, that reminds me: my social life is in shambles. I just watched Apocolypse Now, and I was trying so very hard to concentrate on that movie and not think about things. I'll admit it was hard at first, but as soon as I started it was no problem losing myself in that movie, it's really excellent. It would definitely be under my favorites if I could put more than just 5; so sadly it goes under that "etc." one. On the Evan front tomorrow he's going to call me and tell me his Final Decision about the band. I can only pray he chooses to come back, but it's really up to him. Doesn't mean it's not killing me. It'll really suck if he calls and wakes me up tomorrow morning to tell me he's not coming back. Hopefully I'll be awakened with good news tomorrow. With Stephanie it depends on how you look at it. On the one hand we're actually working things out, talking about stuff instead of me just shutting up and not saying anything to avoid hurting her. On the other hand I'm having trouble getting my point across. As I said, she e-mailed me, and so I responded. In that e-mail a miracle occured: I was finally(I seriously think for the first time ever) able to communicate my feelings the way I meant them. But sadly, Stephanie didn't quite take them the way I meant them, so I have to concentrate and try my hardest to commit a second miracle, and communicate my feelings again, in a better and more elaborate way. I'm seriously preparing for this, like an athelete would for an important contest. As soon as I finish this entry I'm going to put on The End, burn some incense, turn out the lights, and meditate to try and think of exactly what I want to say, and how I want to say it. I have to shoot for a perfect here. I have to hope Evan comes back and I can say what I mean. Because those are just phase one on each of those fronts. You see with Stephanie, saying what I want is one thing, getting her to change is another. And then, on Evan's end, I have to work on getting the two of them talking again. Stephanie says she's willing to let Evan talk, and I believe she is, but getting her to forgive him is a different story. Evan is more than willing to work things out, he's just scared because he's well aware what I said above is true. See the thing is, Evan was in the same boat I was, not wanting to say anything to Stephanie because he was afraid of hurting her. So it got to him, and he left. I did the same thing a week or so later. But see the difference is: I came back. I'm e-mailing with Stephanie, and trying to tell her what I want to say, work things out. Evan just ran. He took his time off, worked things out on his own, and now is trying to come back. While that's fine for him, he kind of went about it badly when it came to Stephanie. And while this is really between them, I don't have too much confidence that they can get it worked out on their own. Evan fucked up big time when he left, went about it all wrong, and that really hurt Stephanie, so she's going to be really hard to convince to forgive him. I just don't know how things are going to end up. I just wish I was still as cold as I was earlier. I used to think that it was better to feel something than nothing, with that something usually being pain. But now I know, now I know which is really better. The cold, the peace, no pain, no stupid hang-ups and drama. Nothing but peace. There's a few sayings that all pretty much mean the same thing, my favorite being: 'a plastic flower doesn't die, but it doesn't live either'. Meaning that even though it can't feel pain, it won't feel happiness either. Really it's half right, the ultimate goal of happiness is peace, contentment. When you don't feel anything, all that's left is peace, it's the blackness after the light, the default that will exist as long as you do. As long as you are able to feel, peace will be there under everything else. It's what I seek, what I crave, what I almost had. F'ing emotions.

�

�