"End of Everything" 2002-07-10 - 12:39 a.m.

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Fuck. Another "important" one. Shit. I'm sorry Stephanie. I don't think I can be your friend anymore. You said so very many things that were right tonight. People change for one, and when I changed, I lived up to what I most feared when I first decided to stop my depression: I became someone who doesn't connect with you anymore. Another thing you said right was: things will never go back to the way they were. No, they won't. Which relates to: It takes two sides to make a friendship. And even though Evan and Jill did some pretty asshole things, you simply say: "oh they're the assholes" and don't do anything from your end either. But really that's not what this is about, that just makes me realize things. About myself, about you, about our 'relationship'. See, I understand your depression far more than you realize. And I understand how it will end up. I understand how you feel. I understand everything, but you'll still say I don't. You don't think anyone understands. You say you have to be sad to know what happiness feels like, but what's the use in knowing what it feels like if you don't ever feel it? Eventually you'll understand that depression is just baggage, that all it does is hurt you. You'll realize that all you have to do is not be depressed. It's that simple. You don't think so now, but someday you'll understand. Someday you'll know, and I hoped I could be there for that, but I changed, and I can't, and that's the way it goes. Today you chose your depression over me. See that doesn't bother me, I would be ok with letting you be alone, but the symbolism is too perfect. You're an emotional masochist. You'd rather be in pain than happy any day. See, very often I professed my love for you, swore to you I'd do anything for you; and while it's selfish of me to expect any kind of thanks, it's selfish of you not to provide it. See, inaction is in itself action, and while you may not have ever said anything bad about me, you never said anything good. The only time I ever seemed to be anything more than 'that guy who hangs out with you' to you was when I hurt you. The love didn't matter, it was the pain you relished. And speaking of love, the whole time I stood by you, the whole time I was there for you, all you did was complain about Evan after he left. I can't describe how 'great' it was to hear you talk about how your friends had left you and everyone you cared about abondoned you while I was sitting right there. But still, after all this, even if this entry sounds angry, it's not. I can't bring myself to blame you. You see, saying you've had a hard life would be a gross understatement; and words cannot describe how in awe I am of you for the way you've handled it so far. But(if you'll allow me a bit of a tangent to make an example), when I was little, my parents entered me into a baby race. At first I shot past the other babies, I outran all of them by far, but stopped short of the finish line. Then I sat there and stared at my mother while all the other babies passed me and beat me. You won't cross that finish line. You've come so far and handled things so very well for the way they've worked out, but you can't go that extra step. Don't take any of this as insults so much as constructive criticism. See, if I was the same person I was when I started writing in this diary, things would be just fine. But I've changed, and you haven't. So this isn't your fault so much as just the way things worked out. And now I'm finally not scared to speak my mind about a few things. Maybe you can use these examples to help your next relationship, friendly or otherwise. It's weird isn't it? How things worked out: our little group, each of our lives, all seem to be falling apart at the same time. And while no certain event started this, it's all taking place at the same time, like some horrible teen movie. I can't wait to see the climax. I'm sorry Stephanie, I never wanted it to end like this, but it has, and so we must go on. If you hate me I'll understand, but I'd rather things ended on better terms. I don't hate you, I want you to know that. I have enough respect for you to assume you'll be adult about those Sandmans I left with you. If you want to be childish about it, I'll understand, but if you can be adult: give them to Mariah, tell her to give them to Evan, and he'll give them to me when he's finally ready to talk to me. Thank you for the times we had, thank you for what you brought into my life, and I'm sorry. Good bye. On a less personal note, if you read my last entry, and the others, you'll realize that my life has indeed fallen apart. I have nothing now, I am no one now. But creation cannot occur without destruction. Like the pheonix from the ashes, I will construct a new life where my old one was. I will reform the band, with or without Evan(preferrably with), I will eventually find a job, I will eventually make new friends, and I may even eventually find a significant other. Tomorrow the sun will rise, and I'll be there, trudging on.

For Stephanie and my old life-

"Our little group has always been, and always will until the end."

-Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit

"This will be the end of everything that you know."

-Stereomud, End of Everything