"All Apologies" 2002-07-08 - 7:38 p.m.

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I feel sick. I'm hurting the one person I care about. I knew it would hurt her, but I consoled myself with the thought that I would hurt her worse if I didn't do this, but now that's not helping. Now the doubts are rolling in, is this really the right decision? All I know for sure now is that Stephanie's in pain, and I caused it. I purposely and deliberately did something that hurt her. I want to vomit. I hate myself. I'm so sorry. I thought this was the right decision, but now I'm not sure, I don't know anything, I'm even more confused than normal. I hate myself for doing this. This is the first time I know I've hurt her. Before I was just assuming but now I KNOW, that I am responsible. It's killing me. Stephanie, if I meant enough to you, if you think I made the wrong decision, or if you just don't care; if you still want to hang out with me everyday, if you want me as your best friend, just say so. Tell me I made the wrong decision and I'll come running back. I can't believe I did this, I can't believe any of this is happening, everything's falling apart for seemingly everyone, and now I'm contributing. I make myself sick. Stephanie, if you can and want to forgive me, just say so. But if you can't, or don't want to, that's fine too. Why the fuck did I do this? Why can't I fucking do anything right? Even when all I wanted to do is talk to Evan, I still snapped at him, and made stupid comments. Now I'm hurting Stephanie, I just can't seem to do anything but hurt others. Stephanie is the one thing that I cared about, the one person I would've given anything for, and so I ended up giving her the only thing I could: pain. I'm so sorry Stephanie, I'm sorry everyone. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry.

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