"I hate myself and want to die" 2002-07-08 - 8:08 p.m.

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I don't know what I'm going to do first, vomit or cry. I hate myself, I really do. Even if everyone else in the world forgives me for what I did, I never will. I'm so sorry Stephanie. I could repeat that over and over for the rest of my life and it wouldn't sum up how sorry I am. And so you know, it's not your depression that's the problem, it's how I react to it. I'm so sorry. The problem was me, so I just made it worse. I'm so sorry. I hate myself. Goddamnit, all I ever wanted to do was be there for Stephanie, but whenever I need to be, I run away. I don't know, I'm torn between wanting to be there for her, and wanting to just run so I don't make things worse. I should come with a disclaimer, everyone who meets me should be informed of how horrible a friend I am. I'm sorry. If I wasn't such a pansy I'd just kill myself, stop myself from hurting others. I'm so sorry, I wish I'd never met anyone, I wish my parents had kept me in a cage so I couldn't go out and hurt others. I care more for Stephanie than anyone else, ever, and so I hurt her. I'm so sorry, that word doesn't even do justice to how I feel. If there's anything at all I can do, I'll do it. Anything, I'm so sorry. I wish Stephanie hated me, I wish she didn't care for me at all, then I could just run away and it would be so simple, I wish she had only hung out with me for my car or something, so then when I do something like this it wouldn't matter. But it's too late now, I've hurt her and there's no going back. Fuck. I'd do anything to take the pain away, but I can't. Fuck me. I hate myself. All I ever wanted to do was be there for her, and so I let her down. Goddamnit. I'm the worst friend ever. She's much better off without me. I still love her, I still wish I could be her friend, but it's too late now, my worst fears have come true. I knew I was going to hurt her, so I tried to do something to stop myself, but, just like I knew it would, that ended up hurting her. Please hate me Stephanie, please. Please don't let me mean anything to you. Please don't blame yourself. Take your hatred out on me. You did nothing wrong, everything's my fault. Please don't let me hurt you. I will never, ever forgive myself for what I've done. I don't deserve forgiveness. Stephanie please, just forget about me and run, get as far away from me as you can. Forget me, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to have you in my life. I don't deserve the happiness you brought me, I don't deserve anything. I'm such an asshole. I should just stay in my room the rest of my life, avoid others at all costs. God, of all the people I could've hurt, why her? Why did I have to hurt the best person I've ever met? Stephanie, you are, you are such a beautiful person, you're the greatest, and I hurt you. I fucking hurt you. Please hate me, please don't let me hurt you. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ever thought I could do anything to you but hurt you. I disgust myself. I'm so very sorry.

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