"Thinking of You" 2002-07-02 - 9:35 p.m.

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**disclaimer***

this entry will probably be awkward and emotional, and probably won't be well received, but I can't stop you, I'm just warning you

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I'm scared. Scared about things with Stephanie. Today I gave thought to the prospect of her telling me she doesn't want to live with me after high school, and it really scared the shit out of me. But I'm also scared for her. Lately her depression has been getting bad, and there's nothing I can do. In fact, she doesn't take kindly to people worrying about her, so I'm only making her feel worse. I don't know what to do. It feels like by being here I'm hurting her, but by leaving I'll be hurting her. So either way I just know I'll hurt her, and I'd do ANYTHING before I'd do that. I don't know, it just seems like she doesn't like other people, or at least me, to care about her, so it feels like I'm hurting her just by caring. And it pains me to think that. And since it feels like no matter what I do I'll hurt her, I don't know what to do. I always tell her I know how she feels, and to some extent I believe I do, but at the same time, I never had another person there for me to be in my position while I was in hers, so I guess I really don't know what it's like. But fuck, it feels like all I can do is wrong, but I can't blame her. It's not possible for me to blame her, for anything. But I just don't know what to do, and the possibility of hurting her scares me, and I just want her to be happy, but she doesn't want that. So again I feel I'm hurting her just by wanting her to be happy. I don't know, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act, I don't know how to be. It just feels like I can only be a source of pain for her, but she makes me so happy, and I'm just being selfish by trying to be so close to her. But I don't know, so I'll continue like I am untill she tells me otherwise. I'm just so sorry for not being what she needs or wants. I'm so sorry for not knowing what to do. I'm sorry I can only bring her pain. I'm sorry that all I can ever say in any meaningful relationship in my life is "I'm sorry". But I'd sacrifice my own happiness to give her some, so Stephanie, if you read this, and if you don't want to live with me after high school, or don't want to hang out with me or anything, just tell me. Don't worry about my feelings, I won't be mad, I won't blame you, or hold it against you. I'd rather you were happy than me. And if there's anything you ever want me to do at all, just tell me. I can't stress enough how selfless I'd be for you, and how truely I mean all this, and how I don't expect anything at all in return. But I don't know, I just don't know. I'm sorry.

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