"Shallow and Out to Sea" 2002-07-02 - 1:22 a.m.

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Not a lot going on with me at the moment. Got over my depression last night. Tomorrow I have to go look at those pictures I had taken and pick one to be used in the yearbook. *disgusted noise*. My "Hippy look" fell through. The beads wouldn't fit in my hair and the shirt came out looking like crap, so it was just a waste of $20 that should've been spent on The Hives CD. But after some deep thought I've decided to simply stick with my grunge look. It's who I am, depressed or no. But concerning people who aren't me; Stephanie wrote in her diary the other day that there was a 'boy who thought he could be with her' or something to that effect. I was really scared she read my one entry where I freaked out and didn't read the entry after where I explained it and thought I was expecting to be with her or something. This really frightened me because it would make our relationship quite awkward, and possibly dead. But it's this other kid named Aaron, so I'm off the hook. I don't know, there's no real way to say "I wouldn't complain if..." without sounding creepy, so I won't; and I don't expect anything of the sort either. I'm just so truly happy with the way things are right now, and our current sort-of-plans. Being room/trailer-mates after high school. It's seriously been making me really happy to think about lately. Living away from my parents, us hanging out all the time, it just seems really cool. That's all I really want, just hanging out and living together like that. Just be her plutonic lackey/side-kick. That really sums up how I feel. I don't know, it seems to me that this subject is more than just a little awkward, but I really have nothing else to talk about. My life's so boring and Stephanie makes me so happy that she's become a focal point of my life. At the same time I'm both happy and somewhat frightened that she'll find it creepy, but meh, what're you gonna do? I don't know, I guess I could talk about my comic. I haven't been able to bring myself to draw it for a while. I have absolutely NO attention span when it comes to these types of things, I had hoped that Stephanie would ask about it sometimes or something and that would give me a reason to keep working, but she wrote the third issue, meaning that I have to finish drawing the first issue, write the second, draw that, then draw the third before she has to worry about it again, so she probably figures I'll say something when she has to worry about it(and despite the horrible run on of this sentence), which means that I'm waiting for her to say something(sort of, it's less of my choice and more of an involuntary reaction), and(I'm assuming) she's waiting for me to say something. So that's in kind of a stalemate. My band has been put on hold due to circumstances beyond my control. I should talk to Trevor about it but I can't bring myself to just yet. Gee, seems like I'm the one holding myself back here, but I have other stuff to worry about with myself at the moment. I can't fight a war against myself on two fronts. I'll finish fighting off the depressive tendencies first, then I'll work on the laziness. And I'll end up as someone else entirely. I don't know, for a while there I was really starting to change in a lot more ways then I wanted, I was really scared that I wasn't just going to be myself but not depressed, but someone else entirely. It scared the crap out of me. But lately I'm back into my groove, just without the depression, so that's not worrying me as much. Sadly I think my look had a lot more to do with it than I want to admit. It just makes me sound shallow. But while I was planning on changing my look, meaning I had to care about my appearance/hygiene, it was a change from how I usually am. But now that I've decided to stay 'grunge', I still don't have to care about my appearance/hygiene, meaning I'm more like myself. That probably doesn't make sense, but hey, it's my diary. Anyway, this entries quite long, so I think that'll be it for tonight.