"Schism" 2002-06-29 - 12:18 a.m.

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Oh fuck what a day. Astounding highs and lows. We'll start with the highs. I learned how to play the Hives' 'Hate to say I told you so' on bass. I bought a tie-dye kit and shirt. I saw a van in good condition for a reasonable price. And Erin(Stephanie's older sister) who is the assistant manager at Pet Smart may be giving me a job. Nice. Plus I just saw the video for One by Metallica. Best video ever. Better even than Sober. It's just bad ass. Amazing song too. Now for the lows. Since the day technically stared at midnight, I stayed up all night watching stupid MTV for the video to the Hives' song I mentioned above, but never saw it. Bastards. Then let's see, hmmm, well there was one of my best friends Evan being a dick and screwing me over. Today he wrote an entry in his diary withdrawing from the band, and saying he's going to stop hanging out with me and Stephanie. He didn't warn us, didn't talk to us about it, didn't even mention he had a problem until this. He doesn't ever mention his problems, doesn't talk about them, then gets all pissed when we can't help him. Like we're supposed to read his mind. That's just the wrong way to do it Evan. To be fair he gave Stephanie a lot more crap than me in his diary, and he ditched out on going to Gay Skate Country with her. It really hurt her, and is just plain not cool. But even though he hurt Stephanie, to be fair he only ruined her night, he ruined my life. By withdrawing from the band he's taken the only thing that I was doing that I considered worthwhile away from me. He'll probably never know how many nights I sat contemplating suicide, but stopping myself by staring at my bass, and knowing I was in a band. And now that's gone, and he took it. Plus there's the fact that he's one of my best friends, and he's just leaving, walking out of my life. The only reason this isn't probably getting to me as much is that I still haven't come to grips with the fact that i will probably never hang out with him again. Don't get me wrong, all I want is to work this out, get everything as back to normal as it can get, but I don't know if he'll go for it. I don't know what he's problem is, he never fucking told anyone. And it was all so sudden, just the other day we were sitting and watching Dirty Work together, laughing together, having a good time, and now this. Goddamnit, this sucks. And then it bothered me so much I ended up running out on Stephanie, it was a sensitive time and I just fucking left, walked out on her. I promised her(I think I did, if I didn't it's just because I didn't say it out loud) that I would always be there when she needed me, needed someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and I just fucking left. That makes me feel almost as bad as what Evan did. Because despite all this stuff, I'm still holding some optimism that I can convince him to 'repent' or whatever, work this shit out. Fuck, I don't need this, I'm trying to stop being so depressed, I don't need one of my best friends dropping out of my life and fucking over my band in the process. I don't know, maybe it's the optimism, but somehow, through all that, I haven't been depressed, more like just frustrated that I can't talk to him, can't work this out. That's all I want to do. I don't expect Stephanie to want to hang out with him anymore, and I admit I'd have a hard time doing that as well, but I want to be in a band with him. I WANT to, not just need to I WANT to. I enjoy playing with him. I wanted us to be hanging out and playing together until we're old enough to be made fun of for doing reunion tours. This just came with no warning, he didn't give us any chance to change or do anything, he just fucking leaves. Fuck. Goddamnit. Man, this sucks, all I want to do is talk to him, all I want to do is fucking work this out, but he 'needs his time'. He should've said something in the first place, not just do this to us and then run off so we can't respond. *sigh* you have no idea how hard I'm fighting not to be depressed right now. It's like the battle for my soul or something melodramatic like that. Recovering alcoholics don't go out drinking, so I'm not gonna get depressed, no matter how much reason I have. But it's a battle. Goddamnit Evan, why did you have to do this? Why couldn't you have just said something in the first place? Fuck, I can't talk about this, I can't think about this, this is too fucking much to deal with right as I'm trying to turn my life around and not just sit around and brood. But shit, I don't have my band to fall back on to cheer me up, playing my bass just reminds me that I don't have a group to back me up. Shit. That's my problem, I can only see the negative, I have to fucking see the positive, I shouldn't have to work this hard for it. This is not what I need, goddamnit Evan. I don't want to blame you, I don't want to hate you, I don't want to make you the villain, but you made this situation. Please talk to me, please let's work this out. I like you a lot man, just come back, talk to me, we can work this out, fix it, make everything fun again. But we can't do it if you fucking run away. Just please come back. Shit man, no matter what's wrong, we'll work it out, that's what happens in friendships, if there's problems they have to be worked out, I refuse to just let this die. Tell me you can look at all the fun we had and just piss it away, and mean it, and I'll let you go, but I know you can't, so just please talk to me. Fuck, you won't read this anyway, I don't know why I'm still talking, still dragging myself back into my goddamn hole with it. *sigh* why? I'll go back and read my music essay, maybe that'll take my mind off this. If you read this Evan, please talk to me.

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