"fuck everything" 2002-06-25 - 4:35 a.m.

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GODDAMNIT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!! WHY CAN'T I SLEEP??!! How come I can't seem to escape to the solace of the Dream King's realm? Ever since summer started I haven't been able to sleep. I lay in bed for hours until I black out for 7 hours or so. Tonight I sat around my room shifting from the tv to the computer in mind-numbing boredom for hours until I finally felt tired, but once I got in bed I was wide-fucking-awake! And then, evil me comes out, plays on my doubts and fears, and tortures me until I black out, or come write in here. You know what's been running through my head tonight? Hmm? Stephanie!! Whoo, big fucking surprise there!! Nothing she did, though, it's how I feel. Funny how she's become the center of MY life. I don't mind though, she makes me happy. She fits perfectly with my personality, when I'm happy and with her, she makes me really and truly happy, no doubts, no fears, no evil voice, just happy. And when I'm depressed, I usually want to be alone, but when I'm with her it's perfect, we usually end up both depressed somehow, and we can just sit in silence and brood together, I dig it. She completes both my personalities, it's wonderful. That's why I feel so strongly for her. And amidst all the fears that I'll ruin this relationship; and all the weird urges to ruin it purposely, from evil me, the biggest doubt I have is that it's too perfect. Sort of. See, I've stressed many a time that I'm satisfied just being her friend, and I am. And I'm not trying to turn her straight, and I don't get erections when I'm around her(right Jonathan?), but... I don't know, it's just... in the back of my mind there's this feeling, this hope that I don't want. I don't sit around and just assume that someday she'll be straight or bi for some reason, and I don't want to. But in the back of my mind there's this thought, this involuntary hope, that we're just so perfect together, that she's all I need, all I want, and we can never be together, this feeling that I've been cheated. I don't blame her at all, in any way shape or form. but it's just, she's all I want, right there, and I can't have her. And normally I don't care, normally I can just be her friend, and that's all I need. But when I lay in bed(this isn't sexual, don't get excited), I just have these sort-of daydreams, of us together, and I don't want it, it'll never happen, I'd ruin it, I'll probably ruin it the way it is now, but I can't help it, I don't want it, but I can't help it, goddamnit, this sucks, not only will I never have it, but I have to torture myself with it, I don't want it, I'll never have it, I'm satisfied with it the way it is, I really am, I really am, but why goddamnit? why do I have to fucking do this to myself? I don't want it, I don't, I don't I don't I don't! why? huh? huh!? how come I have to want stuff I don't? how can I think two things at the same time? it's not supposed to be possible? I like it the way it is, I don't want it any other way. So how come that stupid fucking involuntary natural human desire for connection won't go away? I don't want it, I don't need it, I don't fucking want it, I'm happy without it, it's better without it, but it won't go away, I can't get rid of it. How come I can't get rid of something I don't want? I'm sure all of you are thinking that I do want it, I just don't want to admit it. But you're wrong, so fuck all of you. You're not me, you're not in my head, fuck you, you can't understand, I don't want that, I like things the way they are, they're better than I could ever hope for the other way, but it won't go away, and it's bothering the fuck out of me. It used to be just one of the things evil me would torture me with, but now it's the only thing I get tortured with, over and over, more and more, bigger and bigger, fuck you, go away, I like things the way they are, I don't need anything more, I really don't, go away, stop fucking showing me that, I don't care, I don't want it, fuck, why can't I just be simple, why can't I just be happy with something that makes me happy, why do I have to bring in the other thing and make it bad and confusing and annoying, why can't I just be happy to be happy, why do I have to ruin it for myself? why do I have to confuse myself? who did this to me? how come I'm so fucked up? this isn't just because I took my dad's joking the wrong way, something else happened to me, but what? fucking hell, fucking goddamnit motherfucking piece of shit, how come happiness makes me unhappy, how come unhappiness makes me happy? how come I have to ruin everything? it's always fucking me. everything in my life gets ruined, and it's always my fucking fault, it's always fucking me, it's always me, this is probably gonna lead to my ruining things with steph, MY ruining things, if things ever go wrong with us it WILL be my fault, MINE, I fuck up, I destroy, I ruin, I fucking ruin everything, and then I type it up so that noone else can read it, and it will all seem so fucking clynical and detached, like I'm not actually like this, like I just write like this to seem fucking cool. well fuck you! goddamnit, fucking bloody hell, fuck this, I hate this, I hate me, I hate everything, I hate evil me, I hate the thought of me and Steph as anything but friends, I hate the fact that I WILL end up ruining our relationship, I hate the fact that I will never be fucking happy, because whenever I am I ruin it. Then I sit and smile about it and say "yep, I ruin everything, everybody fucking pity me" well I don't need your fucking pity! I don't want it, but without it I am nothing. Goddamnit what's wrong with me? What about me? What about Raven? Quoth the Raven -Nevermore!

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