"novus opiate seclorum" 2002-06-22 - 3:25 a.m.

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So this is it, my big first diary entry. Whoopee-fuckin'-doo. The only people who will probably ever read this are Evan and Stephanie, and possibly people looking for porn. *sigh* so much of my life to explain, so much I want to talk about. Right now it's near 3:30 in the morning. I've been in bed since 1 torturing myself. Not anything as pedestrian as physical pain, oh no. And it sucks, 'cause lately I've been happy, but tonight it just sprang out on me. The utter lack of any value to my life. The utter lack of love. Sure, there's my dad, who's idea of love is belittling people, treating them and everything they value like shit, but I don't blame him, it's just not something I like. Then there's my mom, who loves "normal" me, "her little boy" me; me who dresses preppy and does good in school and acts normal, not me who wears skirts and pierces my nose and dates guys. Then there's my friends. Evan and Stephanie. Evan's a good friend, but that's all. Stephanie... Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie... *sigh* I may never be able to explain my 'relationship' with her in full. If you don't know me, no, she's not my girlfriend. She's my best friend that I love more dearly than anything else. I would gladly and willingly give anything to make her happy, and I've done my best to make this clear to her. But she doesn't seem to care. I suppose I should let you know that guys aren't her style, so I'm not looking for a date, I'm looking for something more spiritual, but I've realized now that I'll never be to her what she is to me, or even what Evan is to her. She still treats me like a friend, a really good friend, I won't speak ill of her at all, but if she felt the way I do, it would be apparent. So that's everybody close to me. Now there's all the instances from my past, Debbie, Lauren, Jessica(both of them), Patty, Lindsay. All the people I've been interested in who never gave a damn about me. If there's one thing my life and past experiences have taught me, it's that happiness and love were never meant for me. Some day I will give you the whole stories behind each of those names, probably sometime soon. Someday I will explain my situation a little better. Some day I'll do a lot of things. I'll probably only end up posting in here when I'm depressed, so watch out, this will probably be grim.

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