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"SOS" 2015-12-04 - 5:14 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I don't know why I suddenly can't stop thinking about G___ like I said last time: I actually thought I was starting to get better, but now it's like I'm getting worse thoughts of her come with an anxiety that hasn't been this bad in a long time I hate it part of me has become idiotically hopeful, we haven't talked in a while, so maybe things are starting to fall apart between them; maybe their relationship's circling the drain, maybe she's already broken up with him and she's still getting over it and maybe she'll get back in touch with me soon ridiculous the other part of me is more fatalistic than ever we still have one mutual friend on fb; and every time I log in I'm terrified I'm going to see the announcement that she's engaged, and it's showing up in my newsfeed because he "liked" it. although really, they could already be married, and I wouldn't even know because it didn't show up in my newsfeed realistically it doesn't even make a difference 50% of marriages end in divorce; just because they're married doesn't mean she won't still leave him and maybe come back to me and I mean, it doesn't change anything right now, because she's already happily dating and living with him; as far as I know never even giving me a second thought but it would be a blow to see it, especially like that the same way I saw it with S____ that fucked me up bad I still wonder if that's the main reason I lost my mind when I saw the announcement she was dating R_____ on there; I already knew she was seeing him, but for some reason that fucked me up so badly, and I've never really recovered because seeing the announcement that S____ was engaged on fb broke my heart blah the worst part is I have no idea what to do about it I've always known I won't be able to get over G___ until I start dating someone else and these last few years have proven I have no control over that just have to hope that I meet someone and they like me and I like them and that spark ignites something but so far zip-o and as I've said: I still worry that I will get involved with someone else but the feelings won't go away; that maybe I'll never be over her I just don't know what to do anymore it occurred to me just now that maybe all this worry over G___ is a defense mechanism; that maybe I'm worrying about her so I don't have to worry about all the other shit in my life and I do have some shit that I need to resolve but I'm worried about that too it's like I can't get any relief, I'm either stressed about G___ or myself, and not all the vidoegames or whiskey I can get my hands on is allowing me to relax or enjoy myself at all I haven't been happy since I left Portland, and it's making me nostalgic for the city even though I still think it wasn't for me the only time in my life I've ever been truly happy was when I was with her; which is probably why I can't let go but the fact that she let go so quickly and easily probably means she wasn't truly happy with me; which shoots down any chance she'd ever come back but now we're back to this fucking moebius strip; where my feelings want her back more than anything else but my logic doesn't want anything to do with her I feel like a fucking maniac but I really don't know what to do anymore I don't even know how to deal with this, let alone resolve it and I'm happy that she's happy; but there is a vindictive part of me that wishes she wasn't that wonders why she gets to be happy and have everything she wants while I'm just miserable after all I ever did was try and make people happy when she constantly used people and fucked them over urrgh I just don't even know I write this stuff here to try and get it out but it just comes right back I just wish I knew what to do � � |